Sunday, December 2, 2012

Breakthrough near: Sick of the self doubt

I feel like I'm close to a breakthrough because the title of this post is an idea that has really been gaining momentum in my head.  Over the past two weeks, I have just gotten more and more sick of the time I spend standing around in the club and letting time pass while I doubt myself.

"Why can't I open?"  "I'm not good enough for her."  "I need X and Y and then maybe that girl would like me."  "That girl wouldn't be with a guy like me."   "If only were cooler."  "If I just were in part mode..."

All those types of thoughts go through my head, and I see it in my wings too.  As I told myself on the drive home, "I'm 35 years old.  I doubted myself all these years and where did it get me?  The doubt never got me anywhere and caused me to spin my wheels in whatever aspect of my life that I allowed myself to believe the doubt.  It's when I believed I could do something, and endured the pain and persevered that I started to have the things in life that I wanted."

Friends and people I knew ridiculed this pickup journey.  They tried to tell me that this was all bullshit.  Some guys are born with skills with women and other guys aren't and there's nothing you could do about that.  If I had listened to them, I wouldn't have had the wonderful experiences I've had in this journey.  I wouldn't have gotten my first cold approach "date" or my first same night lay.  More importantly, I wouldn't have had that moment years ago with Seagull, where I just realized that I was an okay guy.  I still remember one of my first days out with Seagull where we venue changed these 3 girls.  I ended up screwing things up with this cute redhead, but I remember getting home and thinking, "Wow, I really am okay.  Girls really can like me.  I' m no longer that loser that no girl ever desires."  

Realizing that I was okay was a big realization.  I've improved a lot since then as a person.  The doubt has stayed around and reared it's head far too often.  The big step now is I'm started to believing that I truly have value to offer.  This is the key to entitlement.  I'm starting to look at hot girls and part of me is starting to believe that I really do deserve to have a girl like that in my life.

When I look at my wings, I see their positive qualities and I also see them doubting themselves.  Nintendo asked me the other day, "How do I look?"  I laugh at that because when I look at him, I don't see whatever flaws he sees in himself.  I see this tall good looking guy that I feel great introducing to the girls I'm out with.  With every wing I have now, I feel happy introducing them.  I see their good qualities.  These are guys that are fun, smart, self aware, and always improving themselves in pickup and in other areas of our life.  The times they don't get the girls is when then fail to see these qualities in themselves.

This has made me look at myself too.  I understand the self doubt because as I've written, I've had it all these years.  It used to be justified and was constantly reinforced.  When you had zero success with girls for over 20 years of your life, you really got in ingrained in your head that you suck with girls.  More than that, not being able to have sex or have women like you makes you just feel like a loser in general no matter what else you accomplish in life.  At least that's was true for me no matter if I made a lot of money or did well in school.  I told Crazyfoot's friend today that I don't regret that pain.  That pain drove me to believe in pickup and has helped me to improve myself.

I realized that a lot of guys view me the same way.  They see my good qualities and sometimes they find inspiration in what I've done.  One of these guys that I run into was telling me that Nintendo had told him about me.  That I was this guy that would approach any girl, even the tallest, hottest girl there.

I felt a little bashful when he related that tidbit to me . I always feel weird when people relate compliments to me.  On the one hand, I felt like that was me in the summer time and I felt like I wasn't living up to this portrait of me that guys portrayed me as.  Then, I realized that again, it was the self doubt that was holding me back.  I'm not always gonna be on, but that wasn't me years ago.  That was only a few months ago, and that is still me.

I know that these guys deserve the girls and shouldn't doubt myself, and they often view me in the same light that I view them so I just need to click that in my head.  

The next post will be about a concept that is pushing me to that goal.  

No comments:

Post a Comment