Sunday, June 16, 2013

Frustrated with erected success barriers

I've been lazy to post and tonight I'm just compelled to do so.  I'm filled with frustration and disappointment. I'm hoping that by posting again, I can get through this.  I beat myself up mentally the whole drive home.  I have moments of of brilliant game that are just overshadowed by the dumb, self defeating actions I decide to make.  Later, I'll post about one of those brilliant moments from Friday, but tonight, I must indulge the negative in an attempt to learn from the pain.

Two number closes that I weren't:
When I was a newbie, I felt a different frustration.  I survived the pain of feeling anxiety around all women.  I pushed myself to open sets and get rejected.  I got rejected because I just sucked.  I lacked a lot of the qualities that attract women and what positives I did have, I either didn't know how to express them or was just too nervous for those attributes to shine.

Now that I'm more seasoned, I surprise myself with some of the things I'm able to do.  I'll spontaneously spout out hilarious stuff and create such a positive vibe that the girl just loves me.  Sometimes, even when I'm not even in state or in a particularly energetic mood, the girl likes me anyway.

The frustrating thing tonight was that I just decided not to succeed.  I did all the right things up until the point where I decided not to succeed.  There was a set that I winged Seagull with early on.  The girl was attractive, talkative, and she was in med school.  From what I could tell, she had most of the attributes I look for in a woman.  On top of that, things were going well for me.  I threw out several interesting activities that I liked and she agreed with them.  She even mentioned liking the Planetarium.  I mentioned the "Adler at Night" event that I think still happens: it's a 21+ night on the 3rd Thursday of the month that's a great date event.  She expressed interest in the event.  

The obvious move is to take the phone number right there . That's the point of mentioning these activities.  I knew the move was to take the phone number and I just didn't do it.

At the end of the night, I did the same thing again.  I pushed through some massive state crashes and periods of extreme fatigues brought on by my hard core fat cutting diet and excessive cardio workouts and managed to still open some sets at the very end of the night.  I found myself talking to this cute black girl who happened to like video games and was interested in the Tuesday Jazz event at the MCA that I mentioned after being in set for about 10 minutes.

Once again, I passed up the several opportunities I created to take the phone number

Why the fuck do I do this?
I'm shaking my head as I contemplate my self sabotage.  2j was talking to Price (a wing that I've known for years that recently started coming out again, and who I now have a nickname for) about Prince's success barriers.  I realized that this number close was a success barrier I created for myself.  On top of that, there were two good sets early on that I just left.  The two early sets were sets that 2j said I shouldn't have left as he commented that the girl seemed to be into me and the set seemed to be going well.  That was a success barrier, but I also think I left because I have a warped sense of how pickup is supposed to go down sometimes.

I think part of me doesn't like to get phone numbers because I think I'm somehow better than having to be a newbie who farms phone numbers.  When I started off, I collected phone numbers for practice and most of them didn't turn into anything.  Many night game numbers aren't going to amount to anything no matter what your skill level is due to the very nature of night game.  Back then, though, I just had a lower success rate because, again ,I sucked.

Fine, I don't have to farm phone numbers, but somehow I perverted this to almost never taking phone numbers . To be fair, I number closed a seemingly solid set on Thursday.  That time, after mentioning a cool idea, and having the girl express interest, I just decided to take the phone number.  I was feeling better that day, though.  I think I didn't take them today because I wasn't in a good state, and I guess in a sick way, I just wanted to stay in a bad state.

I know I had these phone numbers:
This is what's so frustrating.  Regardless of what would have happened after getting the number, I'm experienced enough to know that if I had asked for these two phone numbers, I would have gotten them.  The girls were interested at me, and I didn't make my move.

I guess part of me just thinks that my only goal is to pull or not get anything, but that's just dumb.  If I had several girls I was seeing, this could be a realistic goal, but not now.  I'll complain about not having any women, but then I don't return this one girl's call that I could be hooking up with.  On top of that, I don't even take phone numbers to allow myself some possibilities.  Then, I get frustrated that I'm getting no results.

I guess I just have to decide that I deserve to be happy and make the right moves.  This seems to be a hard lesson for me lately.  I've doing better than when I started coming out a few weeks ago, but I know I can do better than this.

My final thought is that maybe my body recomposition diet and exercise plan is taking so much of my willpower and that's the reason I don't have much drive to push in this area.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Making the wrong moves when I know better

That guys is like 40. What is he doing in Lincoln Park?
-Some fat chick to her friend after they walked by me last night when I was walking to my car.

I could have viewed that as a fitting end to my night.  On a good night,  I wouldn't have even registered the comment.  I might have opened the girls as they were nearing me and not even have gotten the comment, but I was feeling shitty and my body language probably showed it.  Part of me wants to identify with that negative comment, but I know it's not even true.  Sure, I'm getting older, but girls always guess that I'm younger than I am.  Other than not recovering from my runs as well as  I did when I was younger, my body feels good overall.  Futhermore, my age is no issue when it comes to getting these early 20 something girls.  It's just how my game is that night.

At least I opened:
Reluctantly, I have to admit that I deserve some credit for this.  Even last Friday, I had problems opening, but tonight I forced myself to make some approaches.  On top of that, I even made some good impressions and had several girls like me from the start.

Self sabotage:
The theme of the night would be self sabotage.  As I told Seagull, I know most of the right moves at this point, but I just found myself making the wrong moves instead.  I think I know why.  Part of it is that same problem that's always inside even when I'm doing well.  It's that part of me that I know holds me back on the dance floor openings.  My ego is afraid to give my full effort and put myself totally on the line and risk rejection and failure.  By being a little weird, or doing things wrong, I have an excuse for why it didn't work.

Tonight was different, though.  Again, that issue is always there, but I was just having a shitty week.  I didn't go out earlier on the week because I was feeling sorry for myself due to getting into another argument with my mother.  I've been allowing this stuff to just wreck me lately.  I really was on a roll and here I let myself get setback.

Due to this, I think a sick part of me just wanted to have a shitty night so I wouldn't feel better about myself.  I can't deny that could have played a part.

"You have a confidence problem."  -Viper to Maverick in Top Gun.

That about sums up my current situation.  I mentioned that I opened some sets.  I had one particular girl giggling at the stuff I was saying.  I walked away early as I did with about all my sets tonight.  Seagull said he thought it was on and he was just about to come in an wing me as it was a 4 set.  I told him that I left and needed him to come in sooner.  I was relying on my wing to come in because I just didn't have the confidence to stay in the set even when I was seemingly doing better in the set than average.

Acting weird with this aqua girl:
There was this attractive girl in this aqua shirt that Seagull and I saw on the dance floor at one point.  He opened the set and was working on the blonde friend.  I came in and I just ran a shitty set.  I wasn't really making eye contact and I had my body turned away from the girl.  I then didn't really say much.  Some guy that we think she knew walked by and she tapped him and he came in and I just left.  I was busted out anyway.

This was about when I realized I was just doing things wrong even though I knew better.  I know that the move was to hold eye contact and have better body language and positioning.  I knew I needed to just keep talking or start dancing in front of her and then quickly with her.  Instead, I just ran a shitty set and got busted out like I deserved.

Do professional athletes ever do things wrong on purpose when they know better or have the ability at that moment to do better?

I had plenty of time to think tonight.  This was because Seagull was having a decent night.  He pushed through some tough spots that we all find challenging even on our good nights.  He went back into several sets that ended.  Often times you should approach again if things were going well but we all feel weird about doing it.  Later, I helped push him into a set that had this guy that was working on this blonde.  Seagull wanted to open her even with the guy there.  Still, he was hesitating when the guy went to the bathroom, but my urging helped push him into action.  Later, he lost the girl again but realized it was a girl we opened earlier in the night at another venue.  This time, the other guy was back and talking to her and Seagull went in and took her attention away from him.

I was inspired by Seagull.  I was amused when he was hesitating and that's about when I realized that we both usually know the moves but we don't want to do them or do them wrong.  Soon after this, I thought about what I've written above: how I was making the wrong moves even though I knew better and probably could do better if I forced myself.  I started to wonder if an NFL quarterback ever throws a ball wrong or throws a pick when he felt/knew he could do better in that moment.

The answer is of course it happens.  I thought about this BBC audio documentary I listened to a few months ago.  It was about Olympic athletes and learning to deal with losing/failure.  I remember this female track athlete narrating about her race in the Olympics years ago.  She was leading the pack and then described how one girl passed her, and then another, and then the third.  No longer in medal contention at that point and unable to deal with the failure, she fell on purpose.  Then, after falling, she suddenly felt a burning desire to have to finish the race despite being hurt from the fall.

I suppose the lesson is that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  
I forced myself out of a nap to go out Thursday with Seagull.  I knew I would struggle and I told myself before I even left my place that I was going to have low expectations this evening.  In some ways, maybe I shouldn't have said that because I gave myself permission to do things wrong when I could have done better.

The lesson also should be what I wrote about a few posts ago after returning from the break.  Despite all this inner game stuff that was working against me, I somehow was able to get some good responses.  As much as I feel sorry for myself, by doing so, I forgot the progress I've made since I started this journey years ago.  If I just stick with some sets, and force myself to take right action, maybe I'll have a better night tonight.

It's probably certain I'll have a good night if I just force myself to try my hardest.  Things are so much easier when I'm feeling good, but when it's like this, maybe I just have to force myself to go through the motions.  I'll pretend I'm a newbie and tell myself to hold eye contact, and do the rest of the motions I know I need to do and see what happens.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Going for hang out/after party instead of alpha pull

The other post was getting way too long so I decided to make an entry about the pull attempt.  The logistics were bad for this set.  This was a sure double lay if the set had been a 2-set with this chubby girl and Seagull's girl.  The problem was Seagull's girl lived in a studio apartment and three of the girls were staying with her.

Early on at the after hours place, I told Seagull that we should try to plant the seed for an after party.  This venue is perfect also because it's connected to a liquor store that stays open as late as the bar.

About a half hour before closing, we ended up outside.  The girls were tired.  I again suggested, "We should grab some beers at the liquor store and have an after party."  Seagull just stayed silent and his girl said they were tired and were just going to go to bed.

I told Seagull it's like I threw him up a pass in the end zone and he didn't even try to jump up and catch it.  The after party might have been a no go, but Seagull admitted he had given up on the pull at that point.  He agreed that he could have been more enthusiastic about it.

The girls then said they were going to take a cab home.  I thought about how one of our wings has gotten many lays from offering the girls a ride home.  I always felt weird about it, so I never do it, and I need to change that.  On top of that, I saw that very wing put it into action one time around Thanksgiving when I was in a 2-set with him.  I didn't offer the car ride because my back seat was full of recycling, and I have that stupid issue with it.  I'm afraid they won't be comfortable with it.  Seagull said it didn't even dawn on him to offer them a ride home.

The girls got in a cab and I actually did a half effort attempt to get in the cab with the girls.  That was lame.  C for effort, I guess, but I know the proper way to try to get into the cab in that situation.  Seagull thought about it too but didn't try.

Alpha pull:
Seagull was trying to get the girl to leave with him and I told him that he was using the wrong method for this situation.  His girl was hosting the other girls and there's no way she's gonna ditch her friends who are staying at her place.  I told him he should have been pushing more for the after party at her place and I told him I figured we were on the same page for that plan.

When we discussed this, I realized that I hadn't even tried the alpha pull.  I just assumed the move was the after party and staying with the group.  My girl might have been willing to leave the group; I don't know because I didn't even think about trying that move.

I need to practice more pulls so I learn to get this stuff right. I can be happy that I pushed through what had been a shit state and at least got some results.  Now that I'm seeing how I act more confidently with girls I'm not as interested in, I can see how I just have to act the same around the girls I want.

A lot of guys can act more confidently around girls they aren't into, but I feel like I'm coming from a different angle in my game.  It's hard to explain when I'm about to go to bed here, but I want to say that I see with a new clarity lately that I didn't have in the past.  I can see my outer game (what I was doing with this girl on the dance floor opening) and my state of mind (my inner game at the moment).  I feel like I can duplicate that now that I see myself in such clarity.  On top of that, I already just did it briefly Wednesday with girls that were my type (cute, thin blonde Irish girls) so it's not like it's going to be a big change of behavior.  A big stretch for me might be some tall fit blonde, but I can see a wide range of girls that I'm going to be more confident around and in the right state from now on.

Self doubt most of the night but almost pulled through winging

I went out Wednesday night but there was nothing to report.  I hesitated far too much for my liking, but I did open a lot more than I ended up doing Friday.  The highlight of the night was that I saw these two blonde Irish girl dancing and seemingly being of high buying temperature.  Despite not having the best night, I click my mind into a gear where I went up, opened them, and started dancing with one.  2j and Seagull were in a low energy state and I had to force Seagull to come in a wing me.  We ended up failing to persist for the venue change.  We then saw them on the sidewalk and some guy was talking to them.  I saw the move to try to bust him out and get them to venue change but I lacked the confidence at the time to go do it.

Friday's doubts:
I'm embarrassed to write that my game was horrible for most of Friday night.  I couldn't get myself to open girls and kept letting Seagull do the opening.  I actually was having a good conversation with the 2nd set he opened that I winged but he didn't get anywhere with his target.  I also felt like the conversation was good but I hadn't created any connection.  

The next memory I had was seeing these two blondes on the dance floor at this other bar.  There was a good song playing that I was dancing two.  I was thinking about opening with dance floor game but I hesitated and then some other guy opened them.  Seagull pointed out that I could dance with the friend but we both failed to act.  This was a theme for this part of the night.  Three other times we stalled and some guy came in and opened sets we wanted while we were hesitating.  2j likes to say that it's sometimes good to open after other guys because it makes you look far better in comparison to most lame guys that open.  The problem is that I didn't believe in myself this night.  

I remember thinking at one point, "WTF?  I have to snap out of it.  Do you want to ever have sex again?  Well, if you keep standing around doing nothing, you're just gonna feel shitty and get no results."

I then remember thinking, "How the heck would I even expect a girl to like me when I'm full of self doubt at this moment.  What do I think I need?"   

This is the common theme in my posts lately, but I knew the answer is that all the irrelevant stuff I'd like to have doesn't really matter for sarging at the bar and trolling for SNL's.  Being lean enough to show my abs doesn't matter as the girls couldn't even tell that about me with my shirt on and I know from experience that my weight hasn't mattered much.  Having a ton of money doesn't matter.  I know the only thing that I need is the confidence I've had in the past and that has come back at certain times these past two weeks.  

Winging Seagull:
About a half hour before closing time, we walked into this venue.  There were three girls dancing: a cute blonde, a Filipina girl, and this chubby girl.  Seagull opened the blonde.  I started dancing in the area.  I saw the chubby girl was high buying temperature.  I was dancing near them and I felt a confidence that I didn't feel the entire day.  I just decided that I needed to be a good wing anyway, I didn't even care if I got rejected, and I was having fun dancing by myself so why not try dancing with this girl.  

Of course, that's about the right attitude I need when I'm contemplating dance floor game; consequently, it worked.  We made eye contact and I started dancing closer to her.  I spun her and the next thing I know, she's grinding her ass on my cock.  I have to say that even though I'm trying to get better looking girls, it still feels good when they do that.  Also, as I've said, I'm less picky about same night lay possibilities and especially when it's near closing time.  Finally, as I was telling Seagull the other day, there are certain chubby girls that I'll hook up with and certain ones I which I just don't find attractive.  

The girl kisses me:
I forgot to mention that at one point, I joked to Seagull that it sucks that I kept getting stuck winging these sets where there's a less attractive girl.  I said it as a joke because I knew it was my fault for not opening.  He'll do me the favor if I'm opening, but if I'm going to be lame and not open, then I can't complain.  

I mention this because I realized with this set that I'm actually getting valuable lessons from sarging these not so attractive girls.  As I wrote in the last section, I was in the prefect mindset for doing dance floor game.  The trick that Tyler mentioned in a video last year is that you just have to act the same way with the attractive girls that you want.  It sounds easier said that done, but he says you just keep practicing and you end up going through the same motions with the hot girl and eventually it just clicks.   You pretend the hot girls is the chubby girl and try acting the same way and eventually just end up being comfortable with the hot girl too.  

We were dirty dancing a bit and then I remember we were face to face and our eyes locked and my mind suddenly clicked, "She wants to be kissed."  Just as I saw that, she started kissing me.

I'm surprised how quickly I see the kiss close windows now.  

Self doubt with my girl ignoring me:
I started trying to figure out logistics.  She had said they were going to after hours bar and this time I learend from the other week and just assumed I was going with.  Seagull, his girl, 4 other girls, and I walked to the after hours place.  Things got weird because my girl started to ignore me.  At the time, I was thinking she had buyer's remorse or I had giving her validation with kissing her, even though I had stopped the kissing.  (On a sidenote, I still don't know how to calibrate when you should keep kissing vs when you should stop.  In other words, when you need to keep her buying temperature steady with kissing vs when you need to stop so you don't relieve all the sexual tension).  I just kept walking, trying to keep my cool.  I made random comments to the group about places we walked by, and I also talked to Seagull.  

When we got to the venue, Seagull and his girl were by the dance floor and the 4 girls ran off.  I went off by myself and I started to doubt myself.  I didn't know what to do.  The girl seemed to be ignoring me.  I wanted to try to open some other sets.  I opened but didn't hook anything.  That's mostly because I was feeling uneasy so I didn't have to confidence to stay in the sets I opened.  

I kept my state pumped by dancing by myself and briefly opening a few sets.  I then started to get afraid to go back to the dance floor because I figured I'd feel shitty when some guy inevitable ended up making out with her.  

About twenty minutes later, I went back by Seagull and I told myself that I wasn't confident to steal her off some guy that was all over her, but I'd try if some guy was just talking to her or if she was just with her friends.  I remember I had gained some confidence because I had stopped her on the dance floor dancing with just one friend and no guys on her.  

I had been so unsure of myself, but then I realized that since no guy was all over her, she had to have been having a better time with me compared to being alone with her friends now.  

When I found her, some guy was talking to her.  I tapped her shoulder and the guy ran off.  Lol.  I guess I've done stuff like that too but it was funny how my mere appearance scared him off.  She then said, "Hey, where have you been?"  I played it off by saying, "Oh, I was just wandering around talking to some people.  I thought you guys left."  I then just acted as if she had never ignored me and it was still on.  

A pull if it were not for bad logistics

I'm finally getting around to writing about the Sunday before Memorial Day.  As I'm about to go to bed, I'll keep this short.  I remember that Sunday was the day I wrote about where I felt liberated by taking action.  Writing this now, I find it amazing that I had that peak and then a few days off meant that Wednesday and Friday (last night) were back to too much time in self doubt and hesitation.

Anyway, I got into this set at the end of the night.  I just started talking to this girl and we were just able to keep talking.  Seagull tried talking to the friend, this tall blonde who was a total bitch.  I use that term sparingly because I understand why women often have attitudes when getting opened at the bar, but this girl was just in a horrible mood.

My target was staying at the tall blonde's place along with these two gay guys.  My target and the two gay guys were from out of town and were flying out Memorial Day.  The flight was like 5 hours from when the bar was set to close.

I have to give myself massive credit in that I kept trying to get her to leave with me or find ways to try to solve the logistics.  I suggested we hang out after closing time and she said I could go over but she had to ask the bitchy friend.  Of course, the friend wouldn't let me come over, and on top of that, my target said there had already been some drama the previous night involving that bitchy blonde friend.  I guess the bitchy friend had a roommate that was yelling the previous night.

I tried offering to drive her to the airport, but her stuff was at the blonde's and she wasn't comfortable with that.  I tried suggesting we hang out at my place of Seagull place but the blonde wouldn't go for that either.

My target ended up number closing me because she said she comes and visits the blonde frequently (like every other month).  I didn't even want a number close as she was from out of town and, this is going to sound mean to some, but she wasn't good looking enough for me.  I lower my standards for SNL but if I'm gonna be bothered to set up a Day 2, I have higher standards now.

I'll close by saying that this was an example of how I need to be proactive in solving logistics and keep trying to make things happen.