Reasonable Expectation

Reasonable Expectations

After thinking long and hard about my evening, I came up with the following to make me feel better about myself:

I can't expect to be at the level I left off at but I can expect that if I keep getting out there, I'll get my game back to the level it was at and surely surpass it. 

I was hard on myself the whole night and now I realize that I wasn't being fair to myself.  I've been opening sets with little fear and I've been having some good interactions and two that I'd consider great.  I seriously almost forgot that I had just started sarging again last week.  I expected the learning curve to be harder.  Approach anxiety is almost nonexistent and I feel like I'm back to a point where I was stuck for a long time.  This is where I can open sets and most girls will like me enough to not bust me out.  I get into a lot of sets that are okay but I feel like they aren't going anywhere.  I mean that I'd get into these sets where it doesn't look like I'm going to get laid by staying in the set. 

That's why I got pissed at myself:
I found myself sitting in several sets where I felt like I just described.  I knew things weren't going anywhere but I also didn't want to leave and give up.  I kept trying to move things along.  Part of me feels like I'm a victim of some bad luck.  For example, I had this amazing conversation with this girl.  She thinks a lot like this girl I met at Cadillac Ranch months ago.  The only problem is that she owns a store with her boyfriend...

Two other times, I was working on some blondes and couldn't make anything happen.  I couldn't figure out how to move things along. 

I also got pissed at myself because I was working other sets instead of trying to sarge one of my friend's coworkers that came out.  He had told me she was very single.  I didn't realize it until to late.  I saw her talking to these guys and it was obvious she was trying to get laid.  I didn't feel like I had enough energy to both sarge her and blow off the guys so I gave up. 

Of course I'm rusty:
It really did hit me when I thought about how I've only been out three times since I escaped from that black hole.  As I wrote above, it's amazing how simple things are but at the same time, I've got a long way to go.  I am out of practice and that's why I'm not moving these sets along as well as I have in the past.  I shouldn't feel bad about it as I know I'll get better as long as I keep going out consistently. 

What I need to do:
My opening is fine.  I get in and the girls like me.  My light kino is fine.  Where I went wrong is that I didn't try to push the interactions.  That's what I need to work on next time.  I knew I needed to be more daring with the kino.  I needed to try leaving my hand over the girl's hand a little longer to see if she was comfortable with it.  I needed to expand my kino to the more places: I needed to touch her leg, stroke her hair, or touch her face. 

I realize how important this stuff is because it helps you screen out the girls that are DTF.  I read some field reports this past week and I was reminded of how important that is.  I've been wasting time in sets because I didn't screen them for that.  I'm glad I had some of those great conversations I had, but if I want to go home with a girl and I need to push kino forward faster and see if they are ready for that.  If I like them but they don't seem DTF, I should number close and work on other girls. 

Beyond that, I just have to believe in myself and believe that the girls will like me for who I am.  If I move the interaction along confidently, I'll get where I need to go.  It sounds basic, but I can recall several times tonight when I recognized the right move but didn't go for it. 

Jumping back in

Jumping back in

Tonight was an internal pity party at times.  Then I remembered that I just got back into this last week.  I never posted a field report but I'm proud to report that I jumped right back into sarging.  I went to Wisconsin Dells two weeks ago and as I got ready to get back into sarging last week, I kept thinking about the cold water analogy.  The water in the wave pool felt cold, and there's two ways you can deal with it.  You can inch your way into slowly or you can just splash into the water and get it over with.  I remember that I kept doing the inch method.  I vowed that I wasn't going to follow that method when it came back to sarging. 

Seagull and I walked into Barleycorn.  He had to use the rest room and instead of stalling, I went right up and opened a 2-set.  I remembered that I opened it fine but then I stalled out and just left instead of plowing.  I got a beer and then I opened this other two set.  This brunette in the set seemed to like me.  I remember I stalled several times and she would keep the conversation going by asking me questions.  I ended up screwing up the set because I talked to this chubby Asian girl.  She was really cool.  We were having a great time talking and the friends had to come back three times before she agreed to leave me. 

That was a great way to get back into things and I kept trying to build momentum the rest of that night and the next day. 

A few extra seconds at a stop sign saved my life

A few extra seconds at a stop sign saved my life

I often think about how I was recently given a second chance at life.  It doesn't feel real at times because I don't have anything tangible to show for it.  If I were grazed by a bullet, I'd have a scar to prove that.  If I had almost gotten on a plane that crashed, I'd have the ticket printout and the news articles.  In this case, I just have my memory. 

About six weeks ago (I could look up the exact date by my banking website is down), I was driving to the ATM the bank branch the next town over.  It was about 9pm and I just needed to get there before 10pm so my account wouldn't overdraft.  I wasn't excited about leaving the house as I had to stop playing the game and I didn't want to be out in the real world either.  I reached this 4 way stop in this residential area.  The speed limit is 25 in this area.  Both streets have two lanes, one for each direction.  Normally, I make a full stop at stop signs and then proceed through the intersection after about one second.  Of course, I check both directions as I'm doing so.

This time, I delayed for longer than I ever do at a stop sign.  I don't exactly why and I've tried to replay that memory countless times since then.  Maybe I stopped longer was I wasn't in any rush.  I had no where to be.  Sure, I wanted to play the game, but I wasn't rushing to get back.  I had plenty of time to get to the ATM before 10PM and I knew I was just going to play the game nonstop when I got home.  Maybe, I could subconsciously hear the speeding car barreling 40-50MPH down a 25MPH residential street.  Maybe it was divine intervention.  For some people, that would be high on their lists of probably reasons.  For me, I deem that the least likely.  I would say that the random chance in the universe cause this particular chain of events to happen for me.  In some other parallel universe, I go through that stop sign after one second and things unfold differently for me there.

I remember just not wanting to proceed through that intersection at that moment.  I almost can't believe that's the way it happened, but I kept replaying what happened in my mind I truly believe that was the case.

As I'm sitting at the stop sign, this car comes barreling through the intersection at a high rate of speed.  The car spins out of control three houses down and hits a mailbox.  I remember something like the bumper falling of the car because a car that followed the speeding car hit something in the road and then noticed that there was a spun out car in the front lawn of the house. 

I remember that I couldn't move for a bit after seeing that car.  My car was just stopped at the stop sign.  I was there for like 20-30 seconds as I remember watching the second car coming to the stop sign and going through the intersection.  I was going to check on the guy but I called 911 first.  The person in the second car had already gotten out and there was a guy walking near the intersection that was on the phone too.  Normally, I  would have stopped and watch everything unfold but I didn't want to let my account overdraft. 

Later, as I was coming back, I saw the street was blocked off.  I was going to stop and watch what happened but I didn't because my hair was all messed up.  Since I hadn't left the house in weeks, my hair had been growing in all directions.  I was in the middle of giving myself a haircut but my trimmer ran out of charge.  I had a half shaved head and was embarrassed to walk around.  I thought about asking if they needed a witness to the accident, but I had told the dispatcher what I saw.  I figured the police could look up my number from the 911 center and contact me if they really needed me. 

I never looked up what happened.  I assume the guy was drunk and spun out of control.  I'm sure he got a well deserved DUI charge for that.  I was never contacted but I didn't expect to be contacted as no one was injured except the driver I believe. 

What could have happened:
I know that I had a brush with death because I've seen videos of what happens in a side impact.  Side impacts are about the worst accident you can get into.  A head-on collision is bad for obvious reasons, but you have the airbag and seat belts designed to protect you for such a collision.  Newer cars have side airbags to prevent injury in side impacts but my old car does not.  I remember reading that a side impact crash with no air bags usually results in injuries resulting in paralysis or death.  If I had been hit by that car, best case scenario would be that I'd be in a wheelchair. 

It's ironic that I thought about dying because I hated my life at the time and that I almost got my wish...

I think about those moments at the stop sign and I realize how dumb it is to ever entertain such thoughts.  There are so many more things that I want to do and experience in my life before it's over.  Life might have been bad for me, but I have to believe I can always make things better. 

As I write this, things are better.  I started talking to my friends again but I still have to reach out to a few more and I'm working on that.  I have some new direction on my life and I'll expand on that in future entries.  Oh, and yes, I'm sarging again and that's helped me feel better too.

When things get tough, I remind myself about what happened.  My life could be drastically different or be nonexistent if it weren't for a few seconds.  I tell myself that everything I've experienced since then and everything I experience now is a gift.  I'm lucky that I'm even able to have these moments and I try to appreciate them whether they are good or bad. 

Getting through your own personal hell

Getting through your own personal hell

I always wonder what happens to the people in the blogs I follow occasionally when they stop posting.  Did they just get sick of the actual act of blogging their life?  Did their life change?  Of course, people's lives always change, but I wonder if they followed through on the journey they laid out in their blog or if they decided to prioritize things differently in their lives. 

When I disappear, it's usually a bad sign for the events in my life.  I believe I've said before that I could just omit negative things about my life, but that's not how I do things.  I could write that things have been going great.  I'm picking up girls all the time.  I could be less extreme and just start posting field reports like nothing happened. 

The title describes what happened.  In a way, I feel like I'm being too dramatic.  I've seen enough crazy stuff.  I know some of the real hardships that others around have gone through and are experiencing right now.  I've been around the world and know that people in say, a third would country, would dream to have the conveniences and opportunities that I have in my life.  On the other hand, I feel like I'm accurately describing what happened.

It's like I forgot all the lessons I've learned about life and just spiraled completely out of control.  I knew I was headed in a direction that was going to just lead to more pain yet I continued on the path.  At times, it was willingly, and perhaps, at times,  I was no longer in control.  Fortunately for me, what I went through is nothing that can't be reversed. 

I lost the belief that I could do the things I wanted to do in my life.  I then escaped into a comfort that I've gone to in the past.  Some people do drugs.  I escape reality by living a virtual life in Northrend.  For those that don't know what that means, I escaped into World of Warcraft.  I just played it nonstop and stopped talking to people at all.  I was depressed and just wanted to escape my life and of course I just became more depressed by doing this. 

This went on for about three months.  I finally asked my mother to come out here and help me straighten things out.  It was just the game as everything seemed out of control.  I felt like I couldn't do anything more in life.  I even got the point where even the game wasn't fun anymore. 

As I right this, all that seems so distant.  I'm much better now.  Back then, I wondered how I could go on.  How could I find the will to do anything and how could I find pleasure in things again?  Now, I think about how I could even feel the way I did back then and how I could just surrender. 

Maybe I am bipolar but I see what the medication does to people.  I've been told that the meds dull everything.  The only meds I've ever been on were antidepressants a long time ago and I hated that it did hurt my sex drive.  I remember that actual therapy of talking through some of my problems and learning about building self esteem helped me more than the meds. 

It's going to sound crazy, but I swear that learning about sarging has helped more more than any of that.  I've mentioned it before and I'm saying it now.  The very act of being social and talking to women makes me feel good.  Beyond that, I learned to believe in myself.  I learned that I need to find my own way in life and not seek others approval as the focus of my life. 

Anyway, I'm back and hopefully I would lapse into that dark place again.  It's been over two years since my last episode so I gotta believe I'm progressing.