Sunday, August 8, 2010

Getting through your own personal hell

Getting through your own personal hell

I always wonder what happens to the people in the blogs I follow occasionally when they stop posting.  Did they just get sick of the actual act of blogging their life?  Did their life change?  Of course, people's lives always change, but I wonder if they followed through on the journey they laid out in their blog or if they decided to prioritize things differently in their lives. 

When I disappear, it's usually a bad sign for the events in my life.  I believe I've said before that I could just omit negative things about my life, but that's not how I do things.  I could write that things have been going great.  I'm picking up girls all the time.  I could be less extreme and just start posting field reports like nothing happened. 

The title describes what happened.  In a way, I feel like I'm being too dramatic.  I've seen enough crazy stuff.  I know some of the real hardships that others around have gone through and are experiencing right now.  I've been around the world and know that people in say, a third would country, would dream to have the conveniences and opportunities that I have in my life.  On the other hand, I feel like I'm accurately describing what happened.

It's like I forgot all the lessons I've learned about life and just spiraled completely out of control.  I knew I was headed in a direction that was going to just lead to more pain yet I continued on the path.  At times, it was willingly, and perhaps, at times,  I was no longer in control.  Fortunately for me, what I went through is nothing that can't be reversed. 

I lost the belief that I could do the things I wanted to do in my life.  I then escaped into a comfort that I've gone to in the past.  Some people do drugs.  I escape reality by living a virtual life in Northrend.  For those that don't know what that means, I escaped into World of Warcraft.  I just played it nonstop and stopped talking to people at all.  I was depressed and just wanted to escape my life and of course I just became more depressed by doing this. 

This went on for about three months.  I finally asked my mother to come out here and help me straighten things out.  It was just the game as everything seemed out of control.  I felt like I couldn't do anything more in life.  I even got the point where even the game wasn't fun anymore. 

As I right this, all that seems so distant.  I'm much better now.  Back then, I wondered how I could go on.  How could I find the will to do anything and how could I find pleasure in things again?  Now, I think about how I could even feel the way I did back then and how I could just surrender. 

Maybe I am bipolar but I see what the medication does to people.  I've been told that the meds dull everything.  The only meds I've ever been on were antidepressants a long time ago and I hated that it did hurt my sex drive.  I remember that actual therapy of talking through some of my problems and learning about building self esteem helped me more than the meds. 

It's going to sound crazy, but I swear that learning about sarging has helped more more than any of that.  I've mentioned it before and I'm saying it now.  The very act of being social and talking to women makes me feel good.  Beyond that, I learned to believe in myself.  I learned that I need to find my own way in life and not seek others approval as the focus of my life. 

Anyway, I'm back and hopefully I would lapse into that dark place again.  It's been over two years since my last episode so I gotta believe I'm progressing. 

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