Sunday, June 16, 2013

Frustrated with erected success barriers

I've been lazy to post and tonight I'm just compelled to do so.  I'm filled with frustration and disappointment. I'm hoping that by posting again, I can get through this.  I beat myself up mentally the whole drive home.  I have moments of of brilliant game that are just overshadowed by the dumb, self defeating actions I decide to make.  Later, I'll post about one of those brilliant moments from Friday, but tonight, I must indulge the negative in an attempt to learn from the pain.

Two number closes that I weren't:
When I was a newbie, I felt a different frustration.  I survived the pain of feeling anxiety around all women.  I pushed myself to open sets and get rejected.  I got rejected because I just sucked.  I lacked a lot of the qualities that attract women and what positives I did have, I either didn't know how to express them or was just too nervous for those attributes to shine.

Now that I'm more seasoned, I surprise myself with some of the things I'm able to do.  I'll spontaneously spout out hilarious stuff and create such a positive vibe that the girl just loves me.  Sometimes, even when I'm not even in state or in a particularly energetic mood, the girl likes me anyway.

The frustrating thing tonight was that I just decided not to succeed.  I did all the right things up until the point where I decided not to succeed.  There was a set that I winged Seagull with early on.  The girl was attractive, talkative, and she was in med school.  From what I could tell, she had most of the attributes I look for in a woman.  On top of that, things were going well for me.  I threw out several interesting activities that I liked and she agreed with them.  She even mentioned liking the Planetarium.  I mentioned the "Adler at Night" event that I think still happens: it's a 21+ night on the 3rd Thursday of the month that's a great date event.  She expressed interest in the event.  

The obvious move is to take the phone number right there . That's the point of mentioning these activities.  I knew the move was to take the phone number and I just didn't do it.

At the end of the night, I did the same thing again.  I pushed through some massive state crashes and periods of extreme fatigues brought on by my hard core fat cutting diet and excessive cardio workouts and managed to still open some sets at the very end of the night.  I found myself talking to this cute black girl who happened to like video games and was interested in the Tuesday Jazz event at the MCA that I mentioned after being in set for about 10 minutes.

Once again, I passed up the several opportunities I created to take the phone number

Why the fuck do I do this?
I'm shaking my head as I contemplate my self sabotage.  2j was talking to Price (a wing that I've known for years that recently started coming out again, and who I now have a nickname for) about Prince's success barriers.  I realized that this number close was a success barrier I created for myself.  On top of that, there were two good sets early on that I just left.  The two early sets were sets that 2j said I shouldn't have left as he commented that the girl seemed to be into me and the set seemed to be going well.  That was a success barrier, but I also think I left because I have a warped sense of how pickup is supposed to go down sometimes.

I think part of me doesn't like to get phone numbers because I think I'm somehow better than having to be a newbie who farms phone numbers.  When I started off, I collected phone numbers for practice and most of them didn't turn into anything.  Many night game numbers aren't going to amount to anything no matter what your skill level is due to the very nature of night game.  Back then, though, I just had a lower success rate because, again ,I sucked.

Fine, I don't have to farm phone numbers, but somehow I perverted this to almost never taking phone numbers . To be fair, I number closed a seemingly solid set on Thursday.  That time, after mentioning a cool idea, and having the girl express interest, I just decided to take the phone number.  I was feeling better that day, though.  I think I didn't take them today because I wasn't in a good state, and I guess in a sick way, I just wanted to stay in a bad state.

I know I had these phone numbers:
This is what's so frustrating.  Regardless of what would have happened after getting the number, I'm experienced enough to know that if I had asked for these two phone numbers, I would have gotten them.  The girls were interested at me, and I didn't make my move.

I guess part of me just thinks that my only goal is to pull or not get anything, but that's just dumb.  If I had several girls I was seeing, this could be a realistic goal, but not now.  I'll complain about not having any women, but then I don't return this one girl's call that I could be hooking up with.  On top of that, I don't even take phone numbers to allow myself some possibilities.  Then, I get frustrated that I'm getting no results.

I guess I just have to decide that I deserve to be happy and make the right moves.  This seems to be a hard lesson for me lately.  I've doing better than when I started coming out a few weeks ago, but I know I can do better than this.

My final thought is that maybe my body recomposition diet and exercise plan is taking so much of my willpower and that's the reason I don't have much drive to push in this area.

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