Friday, June 7, 2013

Making the wrong moves when I know better

That guys is like 40. What is he doing in Lincoln Park?
-Some fat chick to her friend after they walked by me last night when I was walking to my car.

I could have viewed that as a fitting end to my night.  On a good night,  I wouldn't have even registered the comment.  I might have opened the girls as they were nearing me and not even have gotten the comment, but I was feeling shitty and my body language probably showed it.  Part of me wants to identify with that negative comment, but I know it's not even true.  Sure, I'm getting older, but girls always guess that I'm younger than I am.  Other than not recovering from my runs as well as  I did when I was younger, my body feels good overall.  Futhermore, my age is no issue when it comes to getting these early 20 something girls.  It's just how my game is that night.

At least I opened:
Reluctantly, I have to admit that I deserve some credit for this.  Even last Friday, I had problems opening, but tonight I forced myself to make some approaches.  On top of that, I even made some good impressions and had several girls like me from the start.

Self sabotage:
The theme of the night would be self sabotage.  As I told Seagull, I know most of the right moves at this point, but I just found myself making the wrong moves instead.  I think I know why.  Part of it is that same problem that's always inside even when I'm doing well.  It's that part of me that I know holds me back on the dance floor openings.  My ego is afraid to give my full effort and put myself totally on the line and risk rejection and failure.  By being a little weird, or doing things wrong, I have an excuse for why it didn't work.

Tonight was different, though.  Again, that issue is always there, but I was just having a shitty week.  I didn't go out earlier on the week because I was feeling sorry for myself due to getting into another argument with my mother.  I've been allowing this stuff to just wreck me lately.  I really was on a roll and here I let myself get setback.

Due to this, I think a sick part of me just wanted to have a shitty night so I wouldn't feel better about myself.  I can't deny that could have played a part.

"You have a confidence problem."  -Viper to Maverick in Top Gun.

That about sums up my current situation.  I mentioned that I opened some sets.  I had one particular girl giggling at the stuff I was saying.  I walked away early as I did with about all my sets tonight.  Seagull said he thought it was on and he was just about to come in an wing me as it was a 4 set.  I told him that I left and needed him to come in sooner.  I was relying on my wing to come in because I just didn't have the confidence to stay in the set even when I was seemingly doing better in the set than average.

Acting weird with this aqua girl:
There was this attractive girl in this aqua shirt that Seagull and I saw on the dance floor at one point.  He opened the set and was working on the blonde friend.  I came in and I just ran a shitty set.  I wasn't really making eye contact and I had my body turned away from the girl.  I then didn't really say much.  Some guy that we think she knew walked by and she tapped him and he came in and I just left.  I was busted out anyway.

This was about when I realized I was just doing things wrong even though I knew better.  I know that the move was to hold eye contact and have better body language and positioning.  I knew I needed to just keep talking or start dancing in front of her and then quickly with her.  Instead, I just ran a shitty set and got busted out like I deserved.

Do professional athletes ever do things wrong on purpose when they know better or have the ability at that moment to do better?

I had plenty of time to think tonight.  This was because Seagull was having a decent night.  He pushed through some tough spots that we all find challenging even on our good nights.  He went back into several sets that ended.  Often times you should approach again if things were going well but we all feel weird about doing it.  Later, I helped push him into a set that had this guy that was working on this blonde.  Seagull wanted to open her even with the guy there.  Still, he was hesitating when the guy went to the bathroom, but my urging helped push him into action.  Later, he lost the girl again but realized it was a girl we opened earlier in the night at another venue.  This time, the other guy was back and talking to her and Seagull went in and took her attention away from him.

I was inspired by Seagull.  I was amused when he was hesitating and that's about when I realized that we both usually know the moves but we don't want to do them or do them wrong.  Soon after this, I thought about what I've written above: how I was making the wrong moves even though I knew better and probably could do better if I forced myself.  I started to wonder if an NFL quarterback ever throws a ball wrong or throws a pick when he felt/knew he could do better in that moment.

The answer is of course it happens.  I thought about this BBC audio documentary I listened to a few months ago.  It was about Olympic athletes and learning to deal with losing/failure.  I remember this female track athlete narrating about her race in the Olympics years ago.  She was leading the pack and then described how one girl passed her, and then another, and then the third.  No longer in medal contention at that point and unable to deal with the failure, she fell on purpose.  Then, after falling, she suddenly felt a burning desire to have to finish the race despite being hurt from the fall.

I suppose the lesson is that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  
I forced myself out of a nap to go out Thursday with Seagull.  I knew I would struggle and I told myself before I even left my place that I was going to have low expectations this evening.  In some ways, maybe I shouldn't have said that because I gave myself permission to do things wrong when I could have done better.

The lesson also should be what I wrote about a few posts ago after returning from the break.  Despite all this inner game stuff that was working against me, I somehow was able to get some good responses.  As much as I feel sorry for myself, by doing so, I forgot the progress I've made since I started this journey years ago.  If I just stick with some sets, and force myself to take right action, maybe I'll have a better night tonight.

It's probably certain I'll have a good night if I just force myself to try my hardest.  Things are so much easier when I'm feeling good, but when it's like this, maybe I just have to force myself to go through the motions.  I'll pretend I'm a newbie and tell myself to hold eye contact, and do the rest of the motions I know I need to do and see what happens.

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