I surprised at the shit state I'm still in at this moment. It many ways, today was a shitty day. Let's see. I blew up on an FB and she's got really mad at me. Firework, the SNL from Saturday isn't responding; I was hoping I could turn her into a regular girl but it's looking likely to be a one night stand, which sucks. Nintendo and I went sarging and I was afraid to approach this tall girl again that I had hooked. I'm gonna guess that it was a form of state control: my ego wanted to be happy with that initial good result and didn't want to risk the bust out at the time.
Sarging itself will never make me happy, it comes from within:
I believe that's the big lesson here and part of why I feel down. I realized more than ever that I just have to decide to be happy. Tyler has always said that you just have to be happy with the process: I need to just enjoy going out and sarging. I do for the most part. When I wasn't having sex, I kept telling myself I would be happy if I had sex regularly. Then that started happening and I told myself I needed more girls and better looking girls. I also felt like I needed a pull to feel complete.
I realized tonight that my mind, if I let it, will keep coming up with excuse to be unhappy. I wrote about this Sunday and it seems even more true now. If I pulled the tall hottie tonight, I'd still be back to normal when I went out Thursday. If I had 4 hot girls in rotation, I might complaint hat I need even hotter girls, or more sexual adventurous girls, or smarter girls, or whatever.
I've known that you can'T find happiness in sarging in itself. I've heard it said before yet somehow I thought I was gonna find it.
Long term mating strategy now:
I think I also feel down that I'm starting to get disillusioned with the game, but I suppose it's time to get out of short term mating strategy. I've focused solely on fixing sarging but it's time to focus on other parts of my life. I've gathered that the key to happiness is setting goals on the things that make me happy. Then I try to work forward towards those goals every day or as often as I can and just enjoy the process and eventually the results I'm looking for will come. Tyler said in The Blueprint, "The end is anti-climatic."
Results lately haven't even been bad:
This just builds upon what Tyler said and why you need to find happiness in the process. I met up with the FB today because I was horny and have told myself it's better to just wait to have sex than to beat off. I thought getting laid would help me with sarging tonight and would help me with my Day 2 tomorrow. It used to help but I've gotten too comfortable and it barely makes a difference now. I know it's because I've forgotten how it feels to not get laid at all.
Obviously, I got the SNL and I should still be ecstatic about that. Yes it sucks that it looks like it's gonna turn into a one night thing but I should still appreciate that I got the SNL. I told Nintendo that i value SNL's so much since I haven't had that many of them. I'd rather have an SNL than two Day 2 f closes.
Tonight, I had a cute tall girl into me and I just have to not practice ego protection . I was feeling shitty yet I still made myself approach. I got this Middle Eastern girl's phone number and a likely Day 2 soon. She doesn't drink and really wants to be shown around Chicago so she shouldn't flake.
The Day 2 Wednesday night looks promising. That girl always responds quickly to my texts and seems eager to meet up. I've overanalzyed it too much tonight with Nintendo, but now I have a game plan and I should trust in my ability to make something happen.
Basically, I should focus on other areas in my life as I've neglected them the whole summer basically for sarging, with the exception of exercise. I need to get out of the negative state. I need to focus on the positive and trust that I'll make good things happen in my life.
As for the FB, I apologized for yelling at her, but she should cut me some slack. She's known me for a year and I've never raised my voice before. I feel bad but what else can I do?
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