I found this gem of a video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF5VRIVl94c
The real relevant part starts around the 15 min mark and the key point is at 16:31. My issue doesn't manifest itself in me thinking girls are sluts or in me rationalizing not wanting to get laid. Instead, I feel self doubt and I fail to escalate or I actually do just run away like I did Saturday night.
He gives an evolutionary explanation for why my mind is thinking these thoughts.
My problem comes down to an inner conflict.
Objectively, it's obvious that I'm no longer that AFC loser that couldn't get any girls. Part of me knows that I've turned into a cool PUA for the most part.
Tyler says, "If you're a cool guy, you're gonna start having opportunities to have sex."
I must still feel like a loser inside. He explains that if you do so, it creates conflict and confusion.
Sometimes I believe it. I did write a post a few weeks ago where I realized I had an amazing night. I even titled it, "I was that cool guy in the club."
I couldn't accept it Saturday night that I was a cool guy that these girls would have fun hanging out with and could find attractive. I think I probably also had an unrealistic expectation of how the girls were supposed to react to me when they were hanging out with us. My doubt didn't extend to Disney. I can see the good qualities of my wings and as I've written before, I'm sure they view me in that positive light. When I see them doubting themselves, I really do think, "Why are you're doubting yourself, you have all the reasons to be confident." When I view myself, I'm often too harsh. It's good to be harsh if I have a screw up last night, but I'll be harsh in the moment.
At the beginning, it's not like the girls were reacting that much better to Disney. Arguable, I was in a better state in that I was dancing around and having fun. I was even joking around with the cab driver.
I did see myself as the inner loser and kept filtering things to support that view.
It's so stupid. An objective observer could not have said that. It would be frustrating to see me fail to act, but I seem to have forgotten in the moment how it really would be to the awkward, loser guy in that situation.
I don't need to imagine it. I can just think back to how I would have acted in a similar situation years ago. I would have been so nervous talking to any of the girls. Depending on my stage of the game, there's no way I would have been dancing at all. I might have been huddling on the couch starting at the floor with bad body language. Even if I was at a stage where I'd talk to the girls, I might have done miscalibrated things or had to rely on routines and fake stories to keep the conversation going.
Cool guy behavior?:
I still have to write the actual main field report, but I've already mentioned some of the things I did do right through out the night. When we walked into the first venue, I was a in a fun mood, shaking hands with Disney's promoter friend that hooked us up and then dancing around our bottle service area while every one else was trying to get their evening started. I mentioned in this post that I had to take a separate cab and I got stuck with the two new girls. Now, ideally I would have taken the chance to talk to them, but at least I made myself joke around with the cab driver. It amuses me how I really can be funny sometimes. I remember saying several things that came to my mind that improved the cab driver's day and made him giggle. I'd later repeat this in the Uber ride to the last venue, even though I had already started to plummet into my shitty state.
I've mentioned that even when I stupidly ran off on my own in the last venue, I was still having fun and trying to talk to girls.
Just as I was finishing this post, I realized another contributing factor is me being around some really cool, alpha guys.
This was an issue I had at times going out with Nintendo and Andydufresne. This weekend, I was looking at myself in comparison to Big P and Tall T, and then Disney when he got out of his shell and really starting gaming.
Yeah I was doing a bunch of things right. To anyone watching and probably to my group, I really was a cool guy having a great time. I really was enjoying myself in spite of knowing I was screwing up/knowing I had screwed up. I wrote that sentence that way in that part of me did acknowledge that the whole fucking weekend was an amazing experience despite missing the chance to really make it memorable and epic.
I could only see how I was missing the aspects that could bring me to the next level. I kept thinking about how I wasn't as alpha and dominant as Big P. I kept thinking about how I wasn't as fun and carefree as Tall P. I kept thinking, "Yeah, I could see why they think Disney is the shit because he is the one setting all of this up." I love Disney. It really is true that the night always turns out into some sort of adventure when I go out with him. My problem is when I recognize that, I then put myself down and feel like somehow these other guys being so awesome means that I somehow suck because I'm not at their level or better.
This can be a positive trait:
Paradoxically, that same part of my personality that creates this inner doubt and makes me view only my negative qualities when surrounded by greatness is also a part that has driven me to succeed and be motivated at many times in my life. This part of me why I get pissed off and motivated and really push myself to improve.
Just because I'm not the best doesn't mean that I suck.
I think that's a good way to summarize the mindset that I have to adopt to help push through my sticking point. Just because I'm around cooler and more alpha guys doesn't mean that I suck. I'm not being fair to myself as well. They might have certain qualities that I wish I could were better in me, but that doesn't mean I don't have my own strengths in areas that they lack. Even if I am around someone that is objectively better than me in every area of life doesn't mean that that I somehow have no value and that the girls aren't going to like me.
This is especially true in our situation this weekend. There were 5 girls on Friday with us and 6 girls on Saturday. Even if say Big P is/was totally fucking awesome and Tall P is the guy all the girls want, as an example, it's not like there aren't going to be any girls left for me. Again, it does not mean that I'm now a total loser that no girl in the group would want. I'm being too hard on myself by thinking like that. All of these girls were attractive and just because Tall P is one girls type doesn't mean that I can't be another girl's type.
Again, I seem to forget that I am not that the awkward, socially inept, quiet guy I used to be that no girl in the group would like. I was doing a lot of things right this weekend and if I had just accepted that and escalated my interactions, I would have had an even more fun night and had sex.
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