Friday, August 9, 2013
Too High expectations? Pondering the self doubt
Despite the last post, I still recognize that I'm being a little hard on myself. Yeah, I made some dumb moves and shot myself in the foot in several sets. Still, I forced myself to open and more often than not, I made some attempts. I didn't let the difficulties define my night.
I had fun most of the night and I got some good responses. I just made several mistakes.
I was thinking on the ride home that part of the reason I get some frustrated at times is due to the fact that I've come so far from where I started. As a newbie, it was so much easier to be happy about having one good set or just not getting busted out every set. Now, it seems like so many sets could have been possibilities if I just didn't make a dumb mistake or if I just didn't hold myself back with success barriers.
Part of me thinks that's also my ego talking trying to convince myself that I'm better than this than I am. I tend to err on being too hard on myself though, so I can't put too much into that idea.
I guess I forgot how hard sarging really is. When I've gotten on some hot streaks, it seems so easy to get make outs or get close to pulling. It seemed so effortless when I saw wings doing it as well.
I sometimes think I have too high expectations. Every night, when street game has died down, I find myself saying, "How the fuck am I standing here alone?!" I actually said that out loud to Seagull.
Realistically, there's only a few guys in our group that pull regularly. On top of that, quality has to be factored in as well. I have to remind myself that even guys that I know that are really good at this have so many doubts at times and we all go home alone far often than would think should be possible.
I think it again comes back to this gift and problem of being self actualized guys. The very fact that I talk about how self motivated and fun some of these guys are is also what makes them have the self doubt that holds them back and the success barriers that slow their progress.
Other than instructors, the guys that we know that pull the most frequently are naturals that don't bother themselves will all this self improvement crap. They just believe in themselves and many times are blind to their shortcomings and just make things happen.
These self doubts are stupid too. I want to shake my wings sometimes when they sit there hesitating and doubting themselves. Several of these guys objectively have so many things going for them. Some have pulled so many in the past. Some are tall or good looking. One guy is so driven and very alpha and dominant as well. (I'm just mentioning attributes because I don't want to name specific wings.)
Pondering this just brings me back to the lessons I thought I learned before. It makes me realize that we are all human. It's natural to have these doubts and I just have to decide that when I'm in the field, I have to focus on my strengths and just ignore my faults or aspects of myself that I want to improve. I should embrace self development and improvement, but the time for analysis is when I'm driving home, writing this blog, or just not out sarging. No amount of success is going to make this easier. I just have to decide to believe and not care. I've had a taste of that attitude several times in the past month, and I thoroughly enjoy when I'm just opening, having fun, trying dance floor moves, and just pushing myself hard.
I really used to think that I just needed to have more success before that doubt would go away, but it doesn't work like that. As I've written before, we all have to go through the trenches. We have to start off a bit awkward at the start of the night. We have to push ourselves to open girls and be in uncomfortable situations. We have to decide to act rather than hesitate. Again, the fact that these guys who have had so much success still sit there doubting themselves shows that it's not the success that's going to solve that but just an internal process and decision to believe and act accordingly.