Sunday, January 6, 2013

Willing myself through excuses,ego protection and sleepiness

I suspected that with my vampire sleep schedule and wanting to watch the NFL playoff games, that I was going to be tired Saturday night.  I was lucky I even forced myself to get 3-4 hours of sleep as opposed to just staying up all the way through.  As I said to several sets in the club as part of my warm up routine, "I got almost no sleep, my team (The Vikings) got smoked, and I wasn't having fun earlier, yet I pushed through."  I finished by telling them they should have that sad face either (I use some variation of this theme to open girls who looked bored in the club, which is a lot of girls)>  

When we got to the bar, I actually forced myself to open right away like I did on Friday.  Unlike Friday, I didn't just immediately go on to more sets.  I let myself stand around not doing anything.  I also was just in a worse state because of the reasons I listed above.  One of my wings even noticed my shoulders were slouched: my posture turns to shit when I'm tired.  At the same time, some of my wings, including 2j were struggling.  At one point, 2j said, "Hey, I'm so in my head right now."  Sometimes I can ride wing's coattails, but tonight I was getting state transference from 2j, and I would get in lower state when I couldn't approach yet saw other wings in set.

I was trying to protect my ego:
I did a bunch of starts and stalls for most of the first hour and a half at the bar.  As I said, I opened a set, and then stood around.  I made myself open again, got busted out, maybe opened another set, and then stood around.  I knew I just had to force myself to approach, but it was hard when I wasn't feeling good and was just getting bad or no responses when I actually did open.

At one point, I asked myself, "Why am I having a shit night?  Did I not learn from Friday?  Did I not learn from last Saturday?  Going through the warm ups and the rejections is part of the regular flow of the night."  I found myself going back to the football analogy even as I was inside my head at the bar.  I remember thinking, "I want to win this game.  Well, I want to play my hardest in this game/this night, yet I'm afraid to throw out some passes.  I'm afraid I might throw an incompletion, or even worst, a interception."  I knew I just had to throw some passes out there and not care if I sailed it over the receiver's head, bounce passed it, or even threw a pick . It was surely better than dropping back and just  taking the sack or doing intentional grounding (this last point I just though of was similar to opening shitty in a way that I knew wouldn't hook me the set.  I'm not talking about saying silly shit; that actually helps me get in state.  I'm talking about trying to stop a girl but doing it in a half ass way because I know it won't work, but I can still feel like I'm doing something.)  

I remember walking with Nintendo and saying, "I know what my fucking problem is: I don't want to open because of my ego.  I'm afraid that I'll open, and try my hardest and just get rejection after rejection.  I'm afraid I won't get into a long set. I'm afraid I won't get a kiss close.  I'm afraid that the bad sets will make me fear that the good sets, the kiss closes, and possible missed pulls this past week will seem to be a fluke instead of the new norm."

I remember thinking, "Wow, part of me really wants to just do it that way.  I can just take some of the legitimate excuse I have to have a bad night and just be content with that.  I can just not open much and say, 'This doesn't count because I was having a bad night, and I didn't try.'

I must have gotten a briefly angry look on my face as I got mad at myself for allowing my ego to even create this situation.  Then the looks must have turned to one of determination as I thought, "No. FUC,K THAT.  I'm not going down like that.  I didn't come out here tired to waste my time.  I didn't pay $4 to check my coat so I could give up or so I could stand around and not doing anything.  I need to open girls and risk getting rejected and risk getting proven that I suck at game.  I want to improve and don't just want to just  avoid bad emotions to protect my ego.  Moreover, putting myself on the line and opening is what gets me out of this state.  I need to remember the lesson from Friday of how to appreciate the good of the night and how to push through a state crash.  I need to remember how Saturday last week was a total bust till I met that cute blonde at the end and almost pulled her.  If I push through this, something amazing might happen, and at the very least, I'll have put my full effort into the night and not accepted the easy way out."

Creeping girls out:
That first set that I opened after I ran through the thought process above was bad.  I opened this girl and I wasn't speaking loudly enough and I was out of state and doing everything wrong.  Within 20 seconds, her friend saw that a creepy looking guy, i.e. me, was talking to her friend and she grabbed her friend and pulled her in to rescue her from me.  I know that look well.  I used to get it almost every set when I was starting out.  I know I've progressed in that I see that so rarely now.  Yes, it happens, but it hardly happens that quickly.  The way that friend rescued my target from me was so much like the newbie shit days.

Some guys could lose state even more after a set like that but I know better.  I remember Tyler saying that he sometimes has to creep girls out when he opens to get into state.  As a newbie, I would have gotten discouraged because I pinged off my environment: that is Tyler speak for I didn't find enjoyment from within myself but instead relied on other people to dictate to me how I was going to feel.  Furthermore, in those days, it was just a reinforcement of what I already knew: I was creepy around girls and nervous around them.  I only had sheer faith in the game and in my ability to better myself to push me through those rough moments.  Now, things a different.  I know that her reaction is more of a fluke than the norm.  Whereas as a newbie, the good sets were the fluke, where I am now, the good sets are the norm, and the creepy bust outs are a total abberation.

Instead, I remember thinking, "Wow, that was bad.  I really am out of state to get that kind of reaction.  Well, I know that's not the real me.  I just need to keep opening and this time not stop just as I'm gaining momentum and I'll turn this shit around."

Slowly, I did turn my night around and I got in a really good state.  I had build momentum through opening and I felt even more in state that I would normally because I knew that I had just busted through a horrible state.  I knew that this was a muscle I'd be forced to call upon again sometime in the future, and now I felt confident as I had yet another frame of reference to get me through a future situation.  

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