Sunday, May 19, 2013

Not ready for the solo mission

Tonight played out well considering where it started.  If I keep going out consistently, I know I'll again get to the point where it's hard to believe I could even stand around at a bar and not open anything.  The last time this happened was when I took a break last year and actually wound up at the same place not opening anyone.

I was supposed to meet up with Seagull but he stopped responding for awhile.  Nintendo had told me he was going out in River North, but I couldn't find parking and he didn't respond any way.  At that point, I wished that Seagull had just told me he wasn't going out as I would have stayed in.  Having driving out to the city, though, I wouldn't allow myself to drive home so I decided to go to Lincoln Park cause I knew I'd find parking.

I went to Lion Head/The Apartment.  It's funny that I basically started sarging there years ago.  I experienced two competing thoughts as I was standing around not opening anyone.   The journey started here so I should be able to open at this place.  I kept asking myself if I could really not open any girls and have opened more that first day sarging than I would this night after all these years of practice and having gotten more success than I would have imagined I really could have gotten when I started.

After an hour of standing around, I pulled up this blog in a hope that reading my old adventures would inspire me.  Instead, I thought about how it was possible that I could be the same guy that experienced all this cool stuff in the past and yet be utterly unable to start talking to any girls.

As I wrote on Friday, I know how standing around ends.  Had I stood around all night, I would have felt like shit and gotten no girls.  At the same time, I didn't want to open because I knew I was gonna suck and wasn't gonna be the cool guy that I sometimes am.  My ego didn't want to open because it was afraid of not being able to feel like I had any skills and I also didn't want to open because I knew I wouldn't be putting my best self forward.

Of course, I know that the only way to break out of this and bring out my charismatic side was to start opening.

I know that it's easier to go out with good wings, but ultimately I have to talk to the girls and I have to make it happen for myself.

Luckily, Seagull saved my night by texting me that he had some drama earlier at this other bar with his best friend's birthday and that's why he hadn't responded.  He told me he had decided to come out.

I told him when he arrive that I wondered if I would have opened had he decided not to come out.  I figured there was a 50/50 chance that I would have stood around the entire night without doing anything.

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