Saturday, December 7, 2013

I quit everything

Since my last post, I went through some stagnation, a giant downward spiral, to a bit of a recovery.  I started logging my diet and fitness stuff, which helps me keep that in check.  I decided I should start posting here again for the same reason and also, posting helped me a lot in the past.

What happens if you just make the bad decision:
I actually backwards rationalize what happened to me as being helpful now after having gone through it.  I don't know if this is delusional or actually the truth.  I suppose time will tell. 

I often have struggled with keeping myself on track because I just want to do the opposite instead and it would gnaw at me.  Strangely, I don't feel those same desires any more.  It's like I've been there and don't want to go back.  That's why I think there may be some truth to this having been helpful. 

To summarize, I think I burnt myself out from exercise from making my weight workout more difficult, and because I tried to recover from my great half marathon experience too quickly in order to try to run this full marathon a few weeks later.  I just decided to stop working out. 

I already like to eat a lot, and putting in all the mileage running let me hit the buffets.  I would hit the Chinese seafood buffets in a way to maximize not getting fat and still being able to eat a large volume of food, and I got entertainment value from knowing the the buffet lost money on my meal.  When balanced with my workouts, I could eat 3 lbs of sashimi, 50-100 raw clams, and even a bowl of red bean or green tea iced cream.  That's for $11.50, or so $13-14 with tax and tip.  I hit this $7.75 buffet for 3-4 lbs of chilled shrimp and mussels. 

The pizza buffets I couldn't hit too often as I know I couldn't make up for the excess calories when I'd eat the equivalent of a 12" stuffed pizza for my $8.  When I went on this spiral, I stopped working out, and I just hit the pizza buffet several times just stuffing myself.

I remember feeling so much self guilt when I hit the pizza buffet right next to my gym.  The only time I would go there previously was after working out, and here I was not having worked out in several weeks stuffing myself. 

I also just said mean things to my mother and I stuffed myself at home and played World of Warcraft wasting my life. 

Two times, I just drank myself into a drunken stupor at home which I never do.  

Self Feeding downward spiral:
I think I get a bit of seasonal depression every year when the days turn dark faster.  I no longer see much sunlight and don't get to be outside to do my runs.  Well, you take that, and add on all the bad choices I listed above, and also the guilt from knowingly making bad choices, and I found myself in this bad place and it was so hard to get out of that. 

Hard to climb back up when you've seen the summit:
I remember thinking that I can sympathize with celebrities more after this latest episode of mine.  When I finally started making better choices, I found myself so frustrated with having let myself slide like this, and also facing such a difficult climb back . I remember having to stop after jogging two miles because my legs where so tight from no workouts and no stretching.  I took me a good 6 weeks before I can finally run over 10 miles again, and I still haven't gotten my long runs back to the 18+ mile range that I want.  I won't be able to do that until probably January or February.

Sarging has been even more difficult.  I had this amazing peak in my game that if I had just stayed with a little longer, I would have gotten so many lays out of, but instead I quit and it's been hard road back.  Things have gotten better for sure, but again, it's so hard being rusty at something when you used to be so much better at it. 

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