Saturday, December 7, 2013

Holding myself back: The girl that wanted to go home with someone that night

I can say I've progressed since my return as I've improved more each time.  It hasn't been linear as there were so many days where I seemed to regress from a new found self improvement, but I'm for certain having better nights than my first night or two back. 

The first few times back where dealing with massive self confidence issues and with just lacking social calibration from having been a hermit for over a month.  Just talking to people slowly started to bring that stuff back. 

The hardest part for me is just the inner game stuff.  It seems so hard, but again, I should be happy that I have the experience of having done this for so long.  As I've written before, in the beginning, I just had no clue of how to act or how to be attractive.  I'd get busted out just because I sucked and there was no quick fix to this.  Now, I know that I've done all this stuff in the past, and I just have to find those aspects of my personality that I've buried within myself.  It's that, and finding my self confidence from within.  When I fail now, it's because I don't want to allow myself to get exposed to being rejected, even though I know it doesn't really matter, and that the rejections actually help me to calibrate myself. 

I just need to go out more regularly.  Over the last few moments, I've just had some moments where I just see clearly when I'm doing things right.  I can think of a moment last week, when I stopped this girl on the dance floor who was walking by, and I actually stopped her and in alpha and dominant way that she was attracted when I did it.  Now, I know and can explain how you're supposed to do it, but I just couldn't make myself even attempt it for awhile, and this was a rare time when I did it right.  These type of awakenings have helped me get better.

Last night, and two Thursdays ago, I had some moments when I was dancing/jumping around on the dance floor.  I felt the endorphins from physically exerting myself, and I realized how I used to make some good moves. 

This girl wanted to go home with somebody:
I wanted to post about this experience from two weeks ago.  Seagull and I went out on a Thursday.  He opened this 2-set in the quieter bar area.  I came in, and was nervous.  These girls were friendly and we sat around and played silly games like truth or dare.  A 3rd friend came in later who might have been the cutest.  Seagull mentioned later how it was interesting how these girls quickly turned the talk to sexual topics.  This brings me to that same issue I struggle with:  I know that girls wants sex, but when I'm in the field, I somehow don't internalize this.  I'm am open minded about sex and nonjudgemental, but I don't manage to let that side of me show, and I'm sure that why I don't often have better results. 

The third girl, at one point, made an admission that apparently she had never made before to these friends.  During the truth or dare game, she admitted that she got drunk one time at the bar and went home with some guy while she was in this 5 year relationship.  Now, I'm not shocked; I know girls do this all the time, but this was a rare occurrence for the girl to admit this in this way.  I wanted to comment how I actually don't even consider it as true cheating because girls do this, and I think some physical encounter like that would be different from developing an emotional bond with another guy and being intimate with that person at the time same time you're having an emotionally intimate 5 year relationship.  I wasn't at my best, so I didn't mention this.

I wanted to get the set upstairs, so I eventually pushed them to go upstairs.  I'll give myself credit for this as this was a big step for me, especially in light of how bad I had done earlier this night and the other nights before. 

The dance floor was dead but we got it going.  Soon I was jumping around and dancing around with these girls.  A few times I started to actually dance and get closer to the 3rd girl.  At the time, I couldn't quite figure out how to get her to slow down and dance more intimately with me.  Thinking back, I just had to try harder and look into her eyes more.  I did try several times but didn't have the self confidence to do things properly.

Now, this girl was horny, and eventually some other guy picked up on this.  I knew it inside.  I remember seeing how she was dancing near these other guys in a way that I knew she was trying to get a guy to dance with her.  It was clearly different behavior compared to the way the other two girls were dancing.  I did pick up on this and I went in and moved her away from those guys.  My mind was telling me to take her off the dance floor to the bar area, but I didn't want to make the move.  Eventually, this guy started dancing with her. 

I'd say he did it "G" style, as in that natural I used to go out with.  He did the dance floor well and of course this girl was really into him.  I saw him number closing later.  The thing is, yeah, he had good dance floor game, but I knew I could have gone home with this girl.  I just couldn't get it together at the time.  I just had to dance more intimately with her, move her off the dance floor, create some make out, and just stick with the set.

Seagull had given up on the set and worked this German set so we didn't even try to keep hanging out with the 3 girls.  We might have had a decent chance of going to after hours with them but I didn't have the confidence to attempt it myself, and Seagull was involved with this new set at closing time, so I just tried to help him there.

The rest of that night, and randomly since then, I think about this girl.  What an easy chance to go home with cute, fun girl, that I wasted.  When I have periods of self doubt, I like to think about how I wish I could improve myself, but all those BS reasons have nothing to do with my failure here. 

The lesson her is the overall inner game issue that I just need to deal with and I'll have a lot of success.  I know logically that I don't need anything more than I already have to get success with women.  I love working out but having a full 6 pack or building more muscle or doing 25 mile long runs aren't going to help me with girls.  It's good to improve yourself, but when I fail, it's because I don't believe I'm good enough.  Beyond that, I just don't want to allow myself to really let go and give my best effort.  I think I want to protect my ego from rejection, so I don't let myself be.  Instead, I'll hold myself back in subtle or sometimes weird ways and create the very rejection I'm trying to save myself from. 

It's like stopping a moving set.  I know how to do it properly, but I won't be alpha enough or grab her properly.  I'll touch her in some weird way because I'm holding myself back, and then I'll creep her out.  If I just let myself be, I'd actually open her in a seductive way. 

I even do some really dumb shit.  One night, I was walking with 2j, and we walked by this 2-set.  I could see out of my peripheral vision that this girl was staring at me as I walked by and smiling at me.  It was so obvious that 2j immediately commented about it when we stopped walking and he said he wanted to shove me in the set because the girl had been so obvious.  I hadn't stopped partially because I couldn't believe it was true.  That shows how bad my inner game is at times; it's like I can't believe sometimes how I can be attractive.  I then didn't want to go back and risk rejection.  I knew it would have been been awesome to have opened her when she was staring and smiling at me.  Still, I could have went back and opened her and it could have gone well.  Instead, I walked by her, and then I wanted to protect my ego by taking the great approach invitation and just being happy with that rather than risking rejection by going to open.

I just need to believe in myself, and let my real PUA self shine through and I'd have this game figured out.  It seems to easy, yet is so difficult.  

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