Sunday, June 11, 2017

Kissed a 21 year old but I'm too hard on myself

Those inner voices can really mess with my head and self worth at times.  It's only after hitting the gym and reflecting on the night that I feel better about my evening.  I also attribute the sunrise with rejuvenating me.  While others feel crappy when they stayed up all night, I'm used this this schedule and even as I kid I enjoyed staying up all night.  Seeing the sunrise and having been up makes me feel like I've living my own life as I don't have to get up at this time instead like I would with a normal job and lifestyle.

It's great to be in a better place because I had some lows this evening.  I think it's mostly frustration with how much progress I've lost and how I let myself regress like this.  It's always the same challenge for me.  I get one or two things going great in my life and other aspects that are important to me atrophy.  In this case, I was on a high when I made my last post here in terms of pickup, and I basically didn't do anything in that area since.  I had a few decent moments but no lays and not much going out until a few weeks ago.  I also let my fitness slide but fortunately I've been making some gains in that the last two weeks.

I bring up fitness because being terrible in pickup (compared to where I was or feel I should be)  is similar to how I can't run my easy 10-12 mile runs anymore and I'm lucky that I forced a super slow 5 mile run today.  (I was having hard time with 3 miles just a few weeks ago).  I can't just make the sets click as easily and I don't feel the same confidence that I did just 8-9 months ago.

I do realize that I'm really being hard on myself.  I screwed up and let myself just be content with being alone but I've gained back a lot of what I've lost in just 4 times going out with Seagull.  The first night was terrible and I barely opened.  I opened a bit today but there were far too many times that I made excuses.

I had a good set today but rather than give myself any credit, I attributed it all to Seagull.  He did open this two set on the street in Wrigley.  These girls were super high buying temperature.  Seagull was making out with her literally within a minute or two.  He joked that my girl and I should do the same and her friend pushed for it.  I felt weird for two reasons: I have to admit I didn't feel like I deserved it, and I usually do like there to be some built up attraction before it happens.

We moved them to a venue across the street.  I felt like Seagull did the heavy lifting on that one.  I danced with the girl and then she said she had to pee.  I'm used to that being a bust out line but in this case she did seem to be having fun with me so I should have just lead her to the bathroom.  Instead I lead her to the friend, who was dancing with Seagull, and they left to the women's room.

Seagull proceeded to open up another set.  I tried to wing to no avail.  A three set opened him shortly after that.  He was on tonight in many ways, but he probably similarly was hard on himself because he didn't end up hooking up with a girl tonight.  Of course we're being way to hard on ourselves.  To go back the analogy above, I'm doing the equivalent of brow beating myself for not being able to run a marathon today even though I should be happy I'm at least back to 5 miles now.  His success lead me to a short state crash because I busted out several times in that same venue.

After he left a set downstairs, we saw our makeout girls from earlier at the bar.  Thinking back, I should give myself credit for pushing us to go open the set again.  I wasn't sure if mine still liked me, but I knew his girl was into him so I had him open them again.

We talked at the bar and then Seagull decided to venue change the girls.

Needy boyfriend Face time:
We got cockblocked by the needy boyfriend texting and calling her.  She's from out of town and she never told him that she came to Chicago for a visit.  He wanted to face time her and they had to go do that.  It was just bad timing.  If we had this set after that bullshit, we'd probably been on a glide path to a lay .

This whole thing is funny.  Some guys hate this situation.  As an AFC, I might have argued that hooking up with this girl might have been unethical, but the pickup community turned me completely around on this.  I don't have a problem with it.  I know girls often cheat on their boyfriend and I don't really care.  I didn't want her this guy she's been with for three years, I just wanna have some fun with her while she's on this trip.  Seagull told me later that the friend giggled about this girl getting some "birthday dick".  Lol.

Seagull's girl pushed him to take her number and then they had to rush off to do this Face time meeting.  I told Seagull he should work that but he wasn't too into making it happen.  Honestly, it's also a weak spot for us.  I've heard how some guys can text like that and make a meet up happen later that night.  One of my old wings was good at that stuff.

I wasn't confident enough for Round 3:
A little bit later, I saw the girls walk by.  I pointed them out to Seagull and he joked that two guys were following right behind them instead of leading them like we did.  Seagull did it more, but I was at least walking around outside holding my girls hand.

While at the gym, I realized the move was to open them again.  Now that the boyfriend was placated, the girls would have been free to celebrate my target's birthday.

21 year old girl:
As I'm typing this, I smile about this point of information.  As I mentioned, it was my target's birthday and she just turned 21.  It's pretty cool that I'm old enough to be her father and I still kissed her and had a chance to hook up with her if I had a bit more confidence and my skills weren't still in the rebuilding stage.

I said I've been hard on myself tonight, and I feel even better now as I finish this post.  I really did feel low though because I know I can do better than tonight.  I also am angry that I've allowed myself to be lonely for so long.  I shouldn't let it be acceptable to get laid on such an infrequent basis and I'm not getting any younger.

5 years flew by:
I've been fucking around for years instead of getting this part of my life handled.  I can't believe it's been 5 years since I met Nintendo that one summer.  That was a crazy year when I went out nonstop and I can't believe how I let my game get so weak.

Anyway, I think I'm determined now to make it right.  I'm fortunate that Seagull can go out most of the upcoming weeks this summer which I didn't think would happen again.

I need to push on and I need to also work on that challenge of being more friendly and talkative in my everyday life.  Again, I'm suffering from being introverted most of the week and then having to bring out my fun, outgoing self on the weekends when it would be way easier just to maintain it through the week so I don't need to be that much more outgoing.  My Asian PUA friend and Seagull can go out once or twice a week and be mostly on, but I can't so I need to make things easier on myself by forcing interactions during the week.

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