Saturday, November 17, 2012

Brief moments of finding myself

The last few months involved much wasted time.  It was a return to the dark side of myself that I sometimes feared would return, and I reverted to old versions of myself that I never thought I'd encounter again.  I didn't go out that much, and in this darkness, I'm pretty sure I missed hooking up with this cute Polish chick that I had written about here briefly.

Two weeks before Halloween, I attempted a return to going out.  It was to help G on a project.  I'll write more about that, but to prepare for his film project, I made myself go out solo after not having been out for a few weeks.  I might have been okay, but during those two weeks, I was just in a depressed, lost state.  I thought being back in the club environment would kick start my positive self, but it was rougher than I could have imagined.  I didn't open a single set.  I honestly thought I'd never have a night where I'd do that.

After going out a few times, I again just stayed at home wasting my talents in life on dumb things like outsmarting idiots on the auction house in World of Warcraft.  Seriously, I had this battle with some guy on morning and it was funny how it turned out, but then I thought to myself, "Wow, I could be using my talents on much  better things in real life."

I started going out again last week and I had learned from the brief return that I had to set my standards really low.  It really challenged my ego to go out and see myself running newbie level game.  I felt good that I was trying but then I mostly felt shitty that I had lost my skills and worst, I had lost that part of me that would drive myself to open and always be positive.

Just being happy with myself when I opened, and not beating myself up too much when I failed to open, or got busted out did make things better.  Over the past 2-3 outings, I found myself opening more and just enjoying being out.

Two moments:
I wanted to write about two moments tonight where I began to feel like my PUA self, dare I say, my true self.  I felt like for a few minutes tonight, I had peeled away this other person I had morphed myself into through inaction, self-pity, and lost hope.  I could see the shining treasure inside me that had become encrusted by those layers of my old, AFC self.

The first moment was when I found myself opening ,but just not having fun.  2j had observed that he could just see that I wasn't going in with charisma.  He tried to help me out by pointing this out and trying to get me to notice the difference between my opening and how he was getting better reactions with just his tonality and vocal projection.  I knew I was coming across flat.  I expected this but I just couldn't figure out how to be charismatic again except that I trusted I'd become like I was this summer by just going out consistently again and pushing myself to open.  

The moment that broke me through was when I just decided to start saying random openers that came to my mind.  I realized that I was forcing myself to go direct like RSD teaches and how I had opened well many times this summer.  It felt like a chore to open like that and of course the girl's weren't into me when I was coming across like I was back in school being forced to read some boring passage aloud for the class.  When I started to say stuff like, "Hey, I need a date.  I'm in a bind.  I'm a secret agent and I don't have a girl with me.  That's not gonna work.  Haven't you seen James Bond?  He's always got a girl by his side."  Sure, I'd get busted out doing that, but I was having fun.  After a few tries, I even hooked some sets.

Yeah, this is basic stuff. Keep opening and have fun with it, but it was a big step to get myself out of that forced opening block that I had been experiencing Thursday and tonight.

The other moment was near the end of the night.  I had gotten on a roll opening but then we venue changed.  Waiting in line, and then being in a loud place that required more physical game or projecting your voice and presence more made things rough for me.  I tried to open a few times to no avail.  Later on, I saw this blonde, and I just decided to look her in the eye and open her.  I just said, "Hi" and then I went into the secret agent blabbering, but this was after she stopped and said hi.

The moment that really stuck here was when we locked eye contact for a bit.   I remember thinking, "Wow, I actually hooked a set again for real.  So, this is how things used to be."  What a contrast, though.  I used to get this look and have this moment several times a night ,and it took me 7-8 times of going out and much pain to finally experience this moment again.  On top of just getting that "It's on" moment, this girl was a pretty blonde who actually is really intelligent.  I think my entitlement suffered a bit when she told me she was in business school at the university where I went for undergrad.  I know that program is in the top 5, and possibly the top 3 in the country, so this girl had some qualities that I rarely encounter in the girls I talk to at the bar.

I will say that 2j is right that we should be hitting these River North venues more often on the weekends as there are so many better looking girls than on the weeknights in the winter.  Thursday in Lincoln Park was slow, and the quality in terms of looks was really below average.  There were tons of hot girls tonight.  We can find that on Industry Nights as well, but it will probably be weeks before I find a smart, cute woman like this one who is on the path to success.

I'll just close this post by saying that pondering that last sentence again brings me back to some realizations I had this past summer. What I wrote is true, and I really can't have a real relationship with a girl that isn't of above average intelligence.  As that's true, I need to remind myself to stop putting hot girls on a pedestal.  Yeah, I'd want to fuck them, but I shouldn't allow them to intmidate me or buy into their value before I even open them.  Chances are, anyway, that they aren't gonna meet more than me wanting them for the body as I don't run into quality girls at these bars that often.

I hope, and I do believe, that my moments where I found my PUA self tonight, will help propel me when I go out again.

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