Saturday, September 8, 2012

Realizing my willpower and strength

I started off in about the worst mood I've been in when I've gone out anytime in this whole summer.  There were times in early summer where I had a little approach anxiety from not having gone out that often, but I have never been out when I just felt in a bad mood.  I remember just getting to the bar and drinking and surfing the internet on my phone.  Dealing with my mother had me stressed out and I was in no mood to open.  Normally, if I'm choding around early, which would happen occasionally, I'd be looking around and trying to talk myself into opening.  This time, I was just drinking and not thinking about it.

I knew wings were probably gonna come out so I was hoping I'd get into a better mood with them around.  I also realized there was a chance I'd end up with no wings for a few hours but part of me said I'd figure it out.

I had good excuses I could use to let myself have a bad night.  I realized my inner strength when I told myself that there was no way I'd let that happen.  I've been in this too long to just accept a shitty night and go home or do nothing.

Still, I could feel the weight of my bad mood when Crazyfoot text me that he was there on the dance floor.  Instead of being excited to have a wing, I went to get another beer and avoided them to procrastinate getting out of the mood.  A few minutes later, I did run into them.  Just interacting with Andydufresne and Crazyfoot got me smiling.  They went back to their set and I knew that no matter what wings came out, and I ran into them all with the exception of that new guy I met two weeks ago, the night was up to me.  It's always up to me to make something happen.  Once in a great while, you can ride a wings coattails to get into a good set for a few minutes, but you always have to make things happen yourself.  Well, I suppose, Andydufresne gets some help sometimes (apparently, some girl pulled him home Thursday night.  I've been out with him enough to see that sometimes girls help him out when they almost never do that for me or any of the rest of us).

Opening your first set always get things rolling:
I don't even remember it now but I know I opened a set about fifteen minutes after I ran into Andydufresne and Crazyfoot.  That's a lifetime of not opening when you compare tonight's me to my usual self.  That first opening made me feel a ton better.  I opened another girl after that and then Nintendo and this new Irish guy (I'll get his screen name tomorrow) showed up in the club.  That made me feel better and slowly I was getting into state.

I decided, I'm gonna get into this club:
We had a weird night.  We left the free drink place early and went straight to this after hours spot where Drama and 2j started out.  Since it was early, I just got in line with our group.  When it's busy, I try to sneak in or go in with a girl but I figured the line wouldn't be bad at this point.  We ended up getting to the front of the line and hit the road block.  That was the night for that.  Driving home, we all got stuck on the Kennedy for 30 minutes while there was a full lane closure for this accident.  Crazyfoot had text me that he was the first car that the police stopped to do the full lane closure.

In line, I was in a better mood as I interacted with some Indian girls.  I should have pushed that more as we had plenty of time to talk to them and one decent one was receptive to me.  I never was into Indian girls but now I want to try one, but I usually just assume they are gonna be the traditional kind that aren't like the normal girls I meet.  As I write this, I realize that's just a dumb limiting belief.  I suppose that this girl was receptive is a positive reference point, but in any case, a traditional Indian girl wouldn't even be out at the bar.  Most are Americanized like me and want to party.

There was this tall Mexican girl who was average looking that Crazyfoot opened.  I remember texting him that it was so obvious she was looking to hook up.  I overheard her telling him she was there alone and was comfortable with that.  Girls are only alone at the club if they are prostitiutes or if they wanna get laid.  This girl wanted to get laid and later we saw some guy making out with her.  I couldn't get anything to really stick while in line.

I got sidetracked in this report, like I usually do.  We got stuck in the line for so long that we left.  Then, we opened some street sets.  I got into this 2-set when the group decided to go back to that same bar to try to get in when it was even busier now.  My 2-set was receptive but without a wing, I lost it.  I then got a text from Nintendo that he had BS'd his way in.  Now, I was stuck on the street with a huge crowd around the venue.

Here was a situation where I could have just called it a night.  I was sober at this point and part of me said, "Fuck it, I'm stuck outside the club and I might as well just go home.  Yeah, I was in a shit mood, but I should be happy I got out of it and got a few decent responses."

"I'm gonna get into this club," I told myself.

It's funny how I can tell myself that, believe it, and make it happen.  It was easier at this club because I've been here so often lately that I know how the bouncers work and they probably recognize me so it's conceivable that I already was inside.  At the same time, it's also risky to sneak into a place that I frequent because if I get busted out on it, I might get banned.

I made my move when I saw this Asian guy.  I like using race to my advantage.  Most non Asians think we all look alike so I can usually bullshit that it's my cousin or whatever.  I hesitated when I made my move and I got stopped.  I tried BSing that my cousin was in front, but the guy was too far ahead and I wasn't convincing enough.  The bouncer blew me off and I just walked back into the crowd.

Mental Fortitude:
Here is where most guys would have gone home.  Okay, I made an effort to get in and I got twarted.  Part of me said to call it a night.  I tried texting Nintendo and he claimed he'd try to get me in.  Before he could response or try, I repeated my mantra about getting in.  I seriously believed I was gonna do it.  I saw two guys in suits pushing there way to the front and I decided I was going in with them.  I decided I wasn't gonna hesitate this time.  The bouncer let them in and I walked behind them.  One of the bouncers looked like he was gonna challenge me, and I pointed to my wrist pretending I had the stamp.  He didn't even check it closely and just let me in.  The move made sense in retrospect because when I've actually had the stamp many time in the past, they usually don't even look at it.

Somewhat back to normal, but not leading:
I realized I have this default competence when I come to game now.  This night taught me that even in a shitty mood and with curve ball obstacles being thrown my way, I will make myself try, and I will approach.  I learned later this night that I can even hook a set strongly on a shit night.  I've got most of the early stuff mastered.  Even though I was cured of my shit mood, I wasn't totally in state and still just willing myself to run the program.  My competence was enough to get me past the opener hook a set and get a girl really into me.

Where I struggled tonight was at the sticking point that I just had broken through when I hit that hot streak a few weeks ago.  I'm talking about that week stretch when I had that SNL and I was just getting into deep sets, making out with a girl every day, and only missing lays because of some really bad logistics.  I learned to not get stuck in lala land with the set. I learned to force myself to lead.  I made myself drag the girl around the club, ask about logistics, and go for the pull.

This girl was into me and I began to dance to with her but then I pulled back.  I kept talking, which was working, but I'd pull her into me and then stop drop the physicality.  I talked about Andydufresne getting help and thinking about this set, I guess the girl did try to help me.  She asked, "What are you doing tonight?" or something like that.  Maybe it was "What are you doing now/ what are you doing after this?"  I said my usual BS about probably getting food.  I asked her the question and she said she was probably gonna leave soon.

I'm a dumb ass in that I realized then what that meant.  I complain that I don't get helped out, but she was trying here.  She asked that question because she was into me and actually considering possibly hooking up with me.  It was also a test of my intent.  I could have played it cool and flirty by grabbing her hips, looking into her eyes and saying, "Well, I'm still trying to decide what I'm doing tonight."  I could played it less risky and just said, "Well, you should come get some food with me."  As weak as that sounds to me as I type that, she probably would have agreed or at least said maybe and I could have continued the set.

Instead, I just stopped talking after she said she was gonna leave soon.  I think I dropped my eye contact.  She probably saw a state change in me because she gave me the "Nice meeting you" blow off about thirty seconds after that.  Thinking back, I did feel a state change because I knew I had chosen to be a wuss.  I didn't even have to give a good answer, but dropping state is what caused me to lose her.

Drama pulls me into a set:
Just after the above, I was walking by and saw Drama with these three blondes.  He said something about this blonde with a white dress. I couldn't hear him, but he motioned towards her and it seemed like he was saying she was receptive to someone dancing with her.  Again, I could feel  I wasn't myself because I didn't want to wing him, but after he repeated himself, I grabbed the girl and started talking and dancing.

Here, I again chose to go against what my player self was telling me to do.  The girl was high energy and liked dancing.  All I had to do was keep dancing, isolate and/or escalate.  Instead, I kept talking.  That was okay, but then I could tell I was boring her when I needed to switch to dancing, and instead of going with my gut, I chose to let myself get busted out.

I suppose this is what a shit night is for me now.  I have to fight myself all night.  I can will myself to give an effort, but my sticking points come in full force, and I find it too easy to self sabotage.  I can't even say I'm purposely trying to fuck myself over.  I think I rationalize it at the time by thinking I'm taking the easy, less risky way out.  In some ways, I was doing that.  With the girl that was helping me pull her, I was playing it safe, but know that's not how you pull.  I know that if you play it safe and don't lead and take chances, you aren't gonna pull.

Trying to wing a cockblock:
Late in the night, I saw this guy all over this cute blonde.  This average looking brunette kept hovering and it was obvious she was trying to cockblock.  I hesitated about going in but decided to make myself do it.  I grabbed the brunette and said, "Hey, let them be, they look happy."  She smiled and was gazing into my eyes.  She was drunk and high buying temp.  I pulled her into me and started dancing.  I think my mistake initially was I again started to talk to much when I should have just concentrated on dancing and grinding.

This girl was drunk and weird as well though.  I approached her two more times. She'd look into my eyes.  I started to go for the kiss at one point.  I might have been able to get it if I just continued instead of stopping when she didn't immediately go into the receptive mode for a kiss.  By stopping, I was holding back which wasn't helping me get the kiss. I should have continued and either gotten the kiss or gotten the head turn.  At the time, I thought she was just gonna close her eyes and let me know she wanted the kiss, or was gonna move towards me.  Now,I realize that I had the right move, I just had to really go for it and just try to kiss her lips.

High buying temp girl with a boyfriend:
Near the entrance, there was this curvy blonde on the dance floor.  I went up strong on her and started dancing with her.  We started a grinding and it seemed super on.  Then, she suddenly ran off and was up on this big dude.  2j came up to me and asked, "What happened? That seemed on."  I replied, "I dunno.  She wandered off and is all over  that guy.  Maybe if he screws up and doesn't try to pull, I can get her."

I later opened her again and she said, "I'm with my boyfriend."  I knew it was the guy I had seen her with and sure enough he caught up to her and they walked out together.

I should get a reference experience from that regardless.  With all the mistakes I made this evening, I did approach her on the dance floor like I really believe in myself and believed that I deserved her.  I need to think about my mind set and how I did that as that's how I need to open all the time.  You always get better responses when you open with 100% belief.  Even when the girl blows you off, it's better than when you hesitate or hold yourself back.  It's so creepy when you aren't fully committed even though in your head, you think you're playing it safe because it's less risky.  In this case, she was with her boyfriend, and she was attracted by the opener that she got into it with me.  She scampered off because she realized she was with her boyfriend and couldn't be doing this.

I don't doubt my looks now, but he was another example.  This guy was taller and more buff than me, but as I now know, it makes no difference.  If she wasn't dating him, or perhaps, she had been out without him, this would have stayed on.

Moving moment and putting things in perspective:
I should take great pride in that I pushed through what started off as the worst night in months.  I remember thinking about how I had a bad night the last time I had that SNL.  That helped me get through this night, and this night will help me out any time in the future that I'm having a rough night or doubting myself.  I know I'll have a better night Saturday.

This night also ended with a moving moment with Nintendo and the new Irish wing.  I was venting about my stress with dealing with my mother and their words made me realize I can be more understanding when dealing with her and be less stressed.

Finally, seeing that accident, I realized the usual lesson that I'm lucky to be healthy and alive.  Yeah, it sucked being stuck for 30 minutes ,but at least I wasn't in the accident.  I also wasn't even mad about being stuck.  I just listened to the Wall Street Journal This Morning Friday Podcast and text Crazyfoot who happened to be stuck in it as well.

No comments:

Post a Comment