Before I wrote the last entry, I had decided to come on here to explore a thought.
Why am I never happy?
Of course, that's not entirely true. I'm not in a constant state of depression . I'm far from it nowadays. I have those moments where I just feel good. Unfortunately, or so I thought, I also have those moments where I just don't feel good enough.
Take last Wendesday, for example. I didn't write about it, but I went out with 2j and I met this Chinese girl. We opened this 2 set of Asian girls. 2j talked to some chubby girl that ended up being really into him. I opened the friend and it went nowhere. I was standing there feeling stupid and I was about to walk away, when this third girl showed up. She was cuter than the other two girls. I introduced myself and we just started talking. About about two minutes, I started to think, "Wow, this seems like it on." I spent probalby the next hour and a half with her. I escalated a bit on the dance floor, I went for the make out. She kept turning her head as she didn't want to actually kiss, but she also couldn't get enough of me.
I pushed a little for the extraction, but I realized I wasn't gonna get here out of the club. 2j said that there wasn't much more I could do with the set. I felt great afterwards as I had two nights prior to that that had gone nowhere. When I say that, I mean I had no long sets the two previous night. This was breakthrough night. At the same time, I wasn't happy with my night because I couldn't pull.
A gift:
Tonight, I realized that as much as I curse this part of me, I have to accept that it has helped define me in many positive ways. I think this TD/Owen video got me thinking this point. I can't remember the exact point he made but it was something to the effect that the fact that we worry if we're good enough for a hotties is a reason why we are actually good enough. This constant drive to improve ourselves sets us apart.
I think about some of the "cool" guys that hook up with the hotest girls. Often, it's some doucebag guy that treats her like shit. I remember a community saying that I heard when I first got into the game, "Girls like confident guys and assholes are pretty confident." Some of these naturals get a lot of girls because they are delusionally confident. Their lives might be total shit, but they believe in themselves and are confident so they get the girls. Meanwhile, no matter what great things I had going for me in the many stages of my life, I'd always feel inadequate. I feel that I just needed one more thing to make me happy or just had to fix a few things to deserve the really hot girl.
Not being happy that I got no girls (and I'd argue, being open-minded) is what got me into sarging. There were other guys like me who had no social skills with girls that just accepted that they had to be that way. They accepted that they would never be good with women so they either just settled for whatever girl they could get, or just accepted being single and lonely.
I was lucky enough to discover "The Game" and I slowly improved myself so that I'm living a life that I never dreamed could have been possible before.
The Curse:
I've already hinted at this aspect already, but let me discuss it explicitely. In the past, I've had money and success for where I was in my life, and yet I always felt like it wasn't enough. I used to think I had to be the best at something or as crazy as it sounds as I write it now, I even thought I had to be the best in the world at something before I could be happy. That was a rat race that I could never win. I'll even go far to say that even if I had achieved whatever BS goals society or I set, I'd never be happy.
I accept this duality:
I think I'm close to figuring out what I need to do to be happy. It's not anything new. I know I've written it in many times in these posts, but maybe I'm close to actually fully internalizing it.
Today, I was saying that I wish I didn't have feel unhappy or that I was not good enoguh. I decided to write this entry because I realize that I wouldn't be where I'm at if that were true.
I could have been rich. I could have been successful by society's standards. Yet I might (I'd like to say that I would, but I have to be honest in that I may just be rationalizing it now) not have been happy anyway. There are guys out there who have these things and more. We see people that seem to have everything: money, fame, sucess, etc, who are miserable.
I could have been a natural that got girls in high school and/or college, and then gotten depressed when I got older and didn't have the same social situations. I remember Jeffy saying that he's had clients like that who were awesome with girls in college and couldn't get any out at the bars or the real world.
I could have been the self delusional natural that bangs hot girls but just parties all the time and doesn't have the depth or intelligence that I actually do have.
I deserve the high quality girls.
Maybe all of this leads to the realization that I have to internalize the above. As a result of this curse and gift, I've discovered that I can improve myself. I can find happiness if I live up to my own standards. I need to try to move in the right direction that I set for myself and be happy that I'm putting my best effort forwards.
I deserve to have a hot girl. I deserve to have an intelligent girl. That I want to better myself is a great quality. I should be happy with the gifts that I do have.
I still have work to do, but I think I am figuring things out. The last few times I've sarged, I have been feeling more confident. I make mistakes but I really am starting to believe that the hot girls can be mine.
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