Never Good Enough: The Curse and the Gift

Before I wrote the last entry, I had decided to come on here to explore a thought. 

Why am I never happy?

Of course, that's not entirely true.  I'm not in a constant state of depression . I'm far from it nowadays.  I have those moments where I just feel good.  Unfortunately, or so I thought, I also have those moments where I just don't feel good enough.

Take last Wendesday, for example.  I didn't write about it, but I went out with 2j and I met this Chinese girl.  We opened this 2 set of Asian girls.  2j talked to some chubby girl that ended up being really into him.  I opened the friend and it went nowhere.  I was standing there feeling stupid and I was about to walk away, when this third girl showed up.  She was cuter than the other two girls.  I introduced myself and we just started talking.  About about two minutes, I started to think, "Wow, this seems like it on."  I spent probalby the next hour and a half with her.  I escalated a bit on the dance floor, I went for the make out.  She kept turning her head as she didn't want to actually kiss, but she also couldn't get enough of me. 

I pushed a little for the extraction, but I realized I wasn't gonna get here out of the club.  2j said that there wasn't much more I could do with the set.  I felt great afterwards as I had two nights prior to that that had gone nowhere.  When I say that, I mean I had no long sets the two previous night.  This was breakthrough night.  At the same time, I wasn't happy with my night because I couldn't pull. 

A gift:
Tonight, I realized that as much as I curse this part of me, I have to accept that it has helped define me in many positive ways.  I think this TD/Owen video got me thinking this point.  I can't remember the exact point he made but it was something to the effect that the fact that we worry if we're good enough for a hotties is a reason why we are actually good enough.  This constant drive to improve ourselves sets us apart. 

I think about some of the "cool" guys that hook up with the hotest girls.  Often, it's some doucebag guy that treats her like shit.  I remember a community saying that I heard when I first got into the game, "Girls like confident guys and assholes are pretty confident."  Some of these naturals get a lot of girls because they are delusionally confident.  Their lives might be total shit, but they believe in themselves and are confident so they get the girls.  Meanwhile, no matter what great things I had going for me in the many stages of my life, I'd always feel inadequate.  I feel that I just needed one more thing to make me happy or just had to fix a few things to deserve the really hot girl. 

Not being happy that I got no girls (and I'd argue, being open-minded) is what got me into sarging.  There were other guys like me who had no social skills with girls that just accepted that they had to be that way.  They accepted that they would never be good with women so they either just settled for whatever girl they could get, or just accepted being single and lonely. 

I was lucky enough to discover "The Game" and I slowly improved myself so that I'm living a life that I never dreamed could have been possible before. 

The Curse:
I've already hinted at this aspect already, but let me discuss it explicitely.  In the past, I've had money and success for where I was in my life, and yet I always felt like it wasn't enough.  I used to think I had to be the best at something or as crazy as it sounds as I write it now, I even thought I had to be the best in the world at something before I could be happy.  That was a rat race that I could never win.  I'll even go far to say that even if I had achieved whatever BS goals society or I set, I'd never be happy. 

I accept this duality:
I think I'm close to figuring out what I need to do to be happy.  It's not anything new.  I know I've written it in many times in these posts, but maybe I'm close to actually fully internalizing it. 
Today, I was saying that I wish I didn't have feel unhappy or that I was not good enoguh.  I decided to write this entry because I realize that I wouldn't be where I'm at if that were true. 

I could have been rich.  I could have been successful by society's standards.  Yet I might (I'd like to say that I would, but I have to be honest in that I may just be rationalizing it now) not have been happy anyway.  There are guys out there who have these things and more.  We see people that seem to have everything: money, fame, sucess, etc, who are miserable. 

I could have been a natural that got girls in high school and/or college, and then gotten depressed when I got older and didn't have the same social situations.  I remember Jeffy saying that he's had clients like that who were awesome with girls in college and couldn't get any out  at the bars or the real world. 

I could have been the self delusional natural that bangs hot girls but just parties all the time and doesn't have the depth or intelligence that I actually do have.

I deserve the high quality girls.

Maybe all of this leads to the realization that I have to internalize the above.  As a result of this curse and gift, I've discovered that I can improve myself.  I can find happiness if I live up to my own standards.  I need to try to move in the right direction that I set for myself and be happy that I'm putting my best effort forwards. 

I deserve to have a hot girl.  I deserve to have an intelligent girl.  That I want to better myself is a great quality.  I should be happy with the gifts that I do have.

I still have work to do, but I think I am figuring things out.  The last few times I've sarged, I have been feeling more confident.  I make mistakes but I really am starting to believe that the hot girls can be mine. 

Updates & Sex is not the Holy Grail

I figured a little summary of what's been going on with my life in appropriate here. I've been going out but I haven't had the time nor the inclination to make regular updates.  At the same time, I've realized that I miss posting.  Reviewing my nights was very theraputic and helped me ingrain the lessons of the night into my mind. 

I left off with my first real success since my return to sarging.  I ended up getting a Day 2 with that girl and even though we seemed to have fun and kissed again, things fizzled out.  She sent me a text a few days later giving me the "I just wanna be friends" speech. 

The funny thing was that while I was on the train to that Day 2, I got a call from this flaky girl I called "Latina Nurse" in my blog.  I had stopped talking to her as at the end of last summer, we'd make plans and she'd always flake out.  I just stopped contacting her.  She sent me a text on Thanksgiving but I didn't respond.  I was sick of her and I was dating someone at the time anyway. 

I didn't answer the phone while I was on the train two weeks ago, but I sent a text asking what she wanted.  She said she wanted to know the name of this beer garden we had gone to before.  By coincidence, it was the same place I was heading to for my Day 2.  We saw each other at the beer garden while I was waiting for my date.  She commented on how I looked good as I had lost a ton of weight and she kept asking me what I had been doing for the past 6 months.  She then suggested that we should hang out  again.  I told her that she's the one that kept flaking out on me. 

It was funny because my date showed up and Latina Nurse probably became even more interested due to the old jealousy plotline theory.  Also, when she called and text me over the next week, I wasn't as enthusiastic about meeting up as I had been in the past.  In contrast, she was more interested than she had been since I first met her several years ago. 

I ended up meeting with her Saturday.  I decided that I'd meet up with her but she was on probation.  If she flaked out, I probably wouldn't talk to her again.  I also decided that things had to be different than they had been in the past. 

We ended up hooking up so I guess she's won a spot on my team.  We had messed around in the past, but for some reason I had never been able to have sex with her.  Funny how easily it came this time. 

Sex is not the Holy Grail:

It had been a few months since I had sex.  With my ex, we messed around a lot but we didn't have sex that many times as she always felt guilty about it.  I suppose I would have made many posts about our situation had I been blogging at the time. 

I felt a relief that I had finally gotten laid after a long time.  It really sucks to go without sex, even for just a few months.  Especially being into sarging as much as I have, when I'm not having sex, I feel like something is missing or wrong with me. 

At the time time, now that I had sex recently, and it looks like I won't have a drought for the immediate future, I was reminded that sex isn't that big of a deal.  It seems like it when you can't get any, but then you realize when you do get it that it's not some magical thing that's gonna change your life.  It's great, but when you're without it, you think that if you can only get this hottie or whatever, that you're life is gonna be fixed. 

Life is a process.  I've learned that life is about making progress towards your goals and being happpy with the process.  I'm finally starting to get things straightened out.  Sarging is moving along and I can see that this can be a breakthrough summer if I continue to go out consistently.  My exercise program is finally near the tangible results Ive been seeking. 

While things are goning well, I can sense that self destrustive side that wants to screw things up through inaction.  That's the true battle.  I've been trying to keep things on track and Tyler/Owen has some good videos about success that have been helping me along. 

I'll close by saying that my inner game is at an all time high.  The last few times I've gone out, I've been opening just about every set I wanted to open.  No longer would I not open a set because a girl seemed to hot.  I realized that if I want the girl, I have to open, but beyond that, even if I banged some super hottie, that would not fix my life.  I'd have fun and be happy, but again, life is a process.  I'd just wake up the next day and still have to live my life.  Now that I dont' feel that burning need for sex, of course, I'll probably experience it more often. 

From "You're doing something wrong" to a make out

I wrote a little about Saturday. After the festival, we hit the bars and I was having a hard time getting myself to open. I think Fatty's anxiety was owning the frame as I wasn't completely comfortable in opening. I did force myself to open a few times and Fatty actually opened two girls. When we met up with 2j, I was still stalling. Seeing 2j open a set I was eyeing without hesitation helped motivate me. I started opening but I was doing something wrong. 2j tried to help by saying that I wasn't opening aggresively enough. I tried to take his advice but I still wasn't getting any sets to stick.

Looking back, my problem was that I wasn't opening with 100% belief (to use an RSD term from one of the videos). When I opened, inside, I wasn't confident that I'd get a positive response. The girls could probably sense that part of me was holding back and hedging my bets and of course, that's a turn off. Also, even when I'd get a decent response, I'd look to bail out too soon instead of plowing and waiting for the girl to really bust me out. This behavior always pisses me off cause it means that I forced myself to do the hardest part (opening), and I just waste all that by ejecting early.

Fatty got seperated from us and his phone died so I didn't meet up with him until later. 2j and I worked several bars. I got a little better at opening but nothing was sticking. I will say that the bust outs were getting me more motivated. I knew that I was better than this and I wanted to open more so I could fix my game. 2j eventually got tired and left. I was left solo since I couldn't find Fatty. I decided I was gonna press on.

As I'm wandering around the dance floor, I see two guys pass by me. I recognize this Asian guy that I met through 2j last summer. This guy is an opening machine and is very inspiring. Seeing him open made me want to step up my game. I opened a seated set and got a decent response until a friend she hadn't seen showed up. The friend introduced some guy she was with. I could have persisted in the set but I took the easy way out and ejected.

One set can change it all:
I saw Asian PUA (I don't have a nickname for him and don't know his screen names so I'll call him that) open this 3-set in the seating area. His friend was just standing around so I said I'd go wing Asian PUA. When I got up, I saw he was about to get busted out/eject but I opened one of his target's friends anyway. She had a pretty face and I was attracted.

It's funny cause I was completely sober but even when I met up with Fatty right afterwards, I couldn't
remember the exact details of the conversation. Maybe that's a good thing: it's a sign that I was actually present and in the moment. I think I opened by saying, "Hey, that's my friend. Just happened to run into him here. How do you know (Asian PUA's target)?"

My girl was holding back a bit so I touched her arm and said, "Hey, I don't bite. My cats do, but I don't."

We talked some more and realized we had a bunch of thigns in common. The eye contact was good and I felt like this was a good set. Asian PUA ejected and wanted to make sure we still had each others number. I didn't want to lost the set, so I handed him my phone and kept talking to my girl.
Shortly after Asian PUA handed me back my phone, I just asked for my target's number. I felt like it was a little miscalibrated but she complied anyway. We then kept talking. .

Later, I started to dance to the music. She danced with me but I was being weak. I was dancing like a foot away from her. I knew I was being weak so I stopped and talked so more. A few minutes later, we danced again and this time I started to take control. I said to myself, "WTF are you doing? This is weak." I grab her hand and spun her around. I worked my hands to her waist and she reciprocated by putting her hands on me. I turned her around and her ass grinding on me turned me on. I turned her back around. Our bodies were really close and we were face to face. I realized I needed to kiss her.

I give myself credit in realizing I had to make a move. I remember times in the past when I faced this situation and was too chicken to make a move. I knew how this set would end if I followed that pattern. She get frustrated that I wasn't man enough to make a move and the set would end. This time, I stroked her hair. I spun her so her back was too me. I stroked her hair away from her neck and began to blow on her neck and ear. I turned her to face me and blew into her neck and then kissed her neck. Face to face, I looked her in the eye, put my hand on the back of her neck and went in for the kiss. I pulled back for a second and went in again, and it was make out time.

I should have went for the pull:
I have to say it was a great feeling for the night to end up like this. I went from hesitating about opening to getting busted out left and right to finally being a PUA again. We had about twenty minutes together after the make out and then the lights came on. I seeded a pull idea about food and she said she was hungry. She didn't resist the idea so I could have used that as an excuse. I think the move was to tell her, "Let's go" and then get her outside. Then I could have said, "Wow, that looks like a lot of people at the pizza place. Do you have any food at your place?"

Instead, I played it safe. I want to blame the fact that I was out of touch with Fatty and the fact the he was gonna stay over as a reason I played it safe. Realistically, I probably would have played it safe even if his phone had been functional. I kept sitting by her and then her friends came by and she said, "I'm gonna leave with my friends."

I had another chance to try to pull. I told her when we parted that I'd text her so she'd have my number. I text the usual, "Get home safe" and she responded. I could have tried to invite myself over but I didn't.

This girl and I have texted a few times and she still seems into me. She's busy this week but I think we'll probably hang out next week. Still, I think in the future, I have to push for the pull. The only way to get good at pulling is to go for it, especially when the pull looks promising like it did in this case. Also, I know from past experiences that sometimes the girl changes her mind the next day and I miss out cause I didn't go for the pull to seal things between us.

This night, I was happy with the make out. Perhaps that wasn't a bad thing as I had just returned to the game. I vow to swing for the fences when in similar opportunities in the future.

Back in the game

I didn't post for months as I had a girlfriend and was going out sporadically.  She was a great girl and we had the greatest conversations.  I know I definitely need that type of connection with any girl I'd consider for serious future relationships.  We parted ways cause as great as we got along, there issues with both had that prevented us from being together.  We are still friends, though. 

I guess my real return to sarging was last week.  I had gone out a few times since the break up.  I had gone out a few times but I know that if you really want to sarge, you have to go out 2-3 times a week every week.  Last week, I went out Friday and Saturday.  Friday was spent just getting myself back into opening.  As I would tell Fatty on Saturday, when you've been in the game as long as I have, you no longer feel that real anxiety about opening.  My heart doesn't start beating in anticipation of actually talking to a random girl.  Instead, you find that you just don't want to do it. 

Friday, 2j and I started out in Wicker Park.  We checked out the First Friday event at the Flat Iron Arts center.  There weren't that many people. There were about 3 sets that I could have opened but I ran itno them when I was alone.  I've always had a harder time opening in day game situations so that was asking too much of myself.  We hit a few bars in the area but it was slow.  2j was uncomfortable opening at the slow places.  I forced myself to open this cute blonde.  It actually went well for my first real opening.  The girl that said she had to go pee.  I thought I was busted out and left but she actually did have to go to the bathroom as I saw her go right after I left.  2j told me that I could try for the number close but I didn't. 

We hit Sound Bar for the free drinks and then went out in Lincoln Park.  Fatty had come down to meet us but he didn't show up until midnight.  I wasn't able to build off my initial success.  I think the free drinks hurt me cause I felt a huge energy crash in Lincoln Park.  I opened but nothing really stuck.

Saturday, Fatty and I went to the Cinco De Mayo Festival in Little Village.  That neighborhood is sometimes in the news for the wrong reasons: you'll hear about the occasional shootings there.  Fatty has no problem checking out bad neighboorhoods.  I wanted to go so I could say I was in the neighborhood, plus I knew it would be safe with the festival going on.  On the way we stopped for dinner at Nuevo Leon in Pilsen . There, I saw that redhead I used to see at Joe's every week last summer.  I've run into her at the weirdest places.  I ran into her on Halloween when I was with my GF.  We stopped at this Jewel near UIC and I remember seeing this tall girl with a decent body and the recognizing that it was the redhead.  I didn't say hi this time as I wasn't sure she'd remember me.

The festival was okay.  It had reasonable prices unlike most festivals in the city, probably because it is in a poorer neighborhood.  Fatty and I ended up walking west on 26th street.  That was the way to catch the bus plus we wanted to check out some of the local bakeries.  I had another random run in with someone I recognized from Joe's.  We stopped to use the restrooms at the McDonald's.  As I was waiting for Fatty, this Latino guy walked by and we made eye contact.  We recognized each other and he stopped and said, "I know you from somewhere."  I told him that he was X's friend, and we talked a bit about Joe's.  He asked me what I was doing down in this neighborhood.

I'm always amused when I randomly run into people because I think about how the timing had to be perfect for us to run into each other.  If Fatty had peed a little faster or I had waited outside, or anything had changed in the Latino's guy's day, we wouldn't have run into each other. 

After we got on the bus, we hit Wrigley.