Asian Cousin and I are nothing but committed to our goals lately. Seagull decided to get drunk at home with his roommates instead of going out. None of our regular crew was going out either, and this was even before it was clear that there was going to be a snow storm. I drove to gym at the beginning of the storm and the drive back made me really now want to go out. Asian Cousin and I had planned on doing it, and he was still texting me about going to these two free venues we had found.
Part of me thinks back and sees how it might have been a good night to stay in. The snow storm did depress the crowds. I think that at venues that had packages that had been preselling for weeks, the snow wouldn't have mattered. Also, the city was probably busy since people didn't have to drive (though that option would have sucked for us as we would have still had to drive in the snow, not had any free parking, or walked around in the snow taking the train. In the suburbs, and especially at our destinations which were free (which meant they didn't expect that much business), the storm really hurt things. At the first venue, there literally only two sets of available girls. The first was two ugly fatties, and the second was this 3-set.
We stalled on opening the 3-set until we were about to leave. On Saturday, Asian Cousin had talked about doing the game/deal where your wing has you open a set (we agreed to make it it easy but excluding mix sets, and just making it girl only sets), and if you don't open, you give the other guy $1. I didn't want to play, but I also knew it was right: we were supposed to be opening anyway, and the money is a good incentive to take action. He made me do the 3-set, and I went to open it.
Well, standing around for so long made it hard, and I happened to come in just as they were arguing about something so I meekly left after my weak opening. I pushed AC to open them later, and he stopped one of them after they came out of the bathroom. They had escaped to the bathroom because some lame guys had opened them at the bar and chased them away. I mentioned at the time that there was another reason we should open. We had stalled and some lame guys had opened them when we could have opened and improved their night instead (well, in this case, we could have been less lame as we weren't exactly in top form).
Three lessons:
Later in the night, I'd tell AC, then we should take two lesson from tonight. First, we should feel confidence in the fact that we braved the weather to stay committed to our goals. I write that I could have stayed in. Had I known how dead it was going to be, it might have been worth staying it because missing out on 3-5 sets is fine. Still, I think I would have felt like I had been lazy with my goals and felt bad about staying in had I blown off the night. Also, I wouldn't have had my $20 experience that I'll write about shortly.
The second lesson is that we shouldn't squander the sets we have and shouldn't waste time not opening and doubting ourselves. The 3-set from the first venue ended up being the hottest girls of the night. We waited so long to open them, and AC actually was doing okay with his target until the leader girl came in a pulled her away. We had been anxious to try the new place hoping their would be more sets (there were, but a lot fewer than we had expected, and again, these girls turned out to be way hotter than the ones at the 2nd venue). Had we known what the next venue was going to be like, we would have tried harder with these girls.
The lesson then is then when we're out in the future, we need to take advantage of the opportunities there. Let's not fail to open sets on a busy night because we doubt ourselves. Let's remember the dead night, like our NYE, when we are in the process of wasting abundant sets. Let's also remember NYE, when we're out in the summer and want to call it quits early rather than pushing on during a busy night, when we're in a good state and things are more likely to happen.
The third lesson is similar to the second. There were two cute blondes that we spotted. I did a half attempt at opening them in an effort to avoid losing $1 for not opening. Later, I went back to open their group when they were off the dance floor, and this girl told me, "I'm sorry, but we're about to leave because our friend just got kicked out." Damn. We could have been having fun with them that whole time, yet I stalled and now they had to leave so I wouldn't even have a chance now.
I had been out on the dance floor yet I was holding myself back. I danced by some of the girls, but never fully committed to try to dance with them and move things along. Heck, one black girl even bumped into me. on the dance floor. I really think it was on purpose so I'd engage her. Seriously, the dance floor was wide open since it was dead, so she had to have done it on purpose. I think so additionally because she was kind of giggling when it happened. I knew this at the time, but I just wasn't in the right state at the time.
$20 cab ride:
We had been talking about leaving the whole time, and I finally said, "Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. We're just wasting our time. There are no sets. Let's remember this on a busy night and learn our lesson."
As we were walking out, this guy asked AC, "Hey, where are you headed? I'll give you $20 if you drive my wife and I home."
AC just blew it off. The guy then asked me. He seemed trustworthy. He was also doing a good job of selling it, as he pulled out the $20 to show me, and kept saying, "It's on X road and Y road, which isn't too far from her."
I sized him and his wife up and said, "Fuck it, let's go." (I use that line a lot as I always think of "Rounders." It's the part when Worm (Ed Norton's Character) is trying to get Mike (Matt Damon's character) to go to Atlantic City after he discovers his live in girlfriend has just moved out her stuff. Mike finally says that when he decided to go. It still gets me pumped up thinking about the scene, even though the movie came out in '98.)
The drive was only like 10 minutes out of the way for me and the guy seemed cool. I got to practice some of my conversation skills.
The reason they had needed a ride was because the snowstorm and it being NYE made it so there were no cabs around. I've been at that venue many times before, and usually there's a line of cabs waiting in front (and this is in the suburbs).
I got my gas money and more for the night, which amuses me. What I like most is that this event was like the beer spill from Friday. It was a totally unexpected thing that happened to me while sarging that amuses me and that I'll always remember.
AC says that he often finds himself disliking approaching and going out to meet girls and sometimes just wishes he had a regular girl. I told him that while I do want to get a rotation of girls going, I immensely enjoy going out. Well, except when I was in a bad zone like a month ago, where I felt like going out was a chore. At that time, I remember telling myself, "This is great. I gotta go out again and get my head kicked in by this."
I actually love going out most of the time. I love feeling alive by being social and getting on the dance floor. I love the random experiences, like driving this guy home, or getting the beer spilled on me. I love pulling even more, but it's been far too long since that happened, and I seriously like these other random happenings as well.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sat: Cockblocked from my best set
I just write about Saturday for completeness. Asian Cousin and I remember it as a day of too much inaction. Sure, we both opened a decent amount, but we stood around doing nothing for far too much of the night. Also, we got state crashed in this tough late night venue, but we should take pride in that we were able to push through that. I even got in this good state by going off on the dance floor area and just trying to stop girls who happened to walk by. Still, I could feel myself holding back and I hate that feeling. I prefer the nights where I'm able to push myself most of the night. At first review, I blamed this slow night on it being a day off of working out, but NYE I worked out, and still didn't take as much action as I should have.
My best set was this short brunette I opened about midway through the night. She was into me, and then she started to get texts from her friend who was looking for her. I lead her to the bar area and helped her find the friend. I figured I could disarm the friend or my wing could occupy her. Well, the friend came in and just swooped her away.
Now, in the opening paragraph, I made it sound like it was one of my less confident nights. That's what it turned into at the late night venue. As I'm writing it, I think the state break of waiting 30 minutes in the cold to get in there helped dampen my enthusiasm by that point. When this set happened, I was still feeling good.
This meant that I went in two other times to try to get my girl. I should always feel confident in myself, but what helped this time, is that she had given massive IOI's showing she was into me. Well, I opened the two girls at the bar, and again, the friend just blew me off and dragged her away.
I saw them later at a table with 4 other girls. I didn't want to go back in, but I made myself do it. I have lost far too many good opportunities when I haven't made myself approach girls again that I knew were into me. Often, I just don't feel confident to do it again, and also I think it's my ego just wanting to preserve the good feelings of the prior interaction, and not wanting to risk that despite the fact that I might actually get further, heck even pull, if I try again.
This time, I just ignored the girl and started saying some funny stuff to my target. She was giggling. The funny part about this whole thing is that I really was adding value to her night. When I had observed the table, my girl look bored sitting there the entire time, and her evening only improved when I came up. Well, that cockblock friend busted thing up. I tried to engage her but she then started telling me obnoxiously to leave.
I was pissed off at that point because I knew I was improving the girls night and this girl wasn't even giving me a chance. I felt like I should have told her off. 2j said that could have worked if that was how I was really feeling. It just seemed like it was a time for me a to be alpha there. I can see how alpha guys could have shut down her BS by doing that.
I didn't do it at the time because I didn't want to risk a big scene there which this girl seemed likely to wantto create. I'll give myself credit for going back into this set several times, and for trying to stick it out a bit with the cockblock.
Another reason I wanted to tell her off is that 2j is right that I'm sometimes too nice. I want to be the fun guy all the time and sometimes do get serious and call people out on their BS.
The next day, I realized another solution that could have kept the fun guy vibe and possible disarmed the girl. When she was bitching at me, I could have started making baby noises and faces, or started moving my hand like a mouth, and making Charlie Brown teacher jibberish noises. It might have been so ridiculous that the girl might have been forced to stop being in a bitchy mode.
Oh, and I'll close by saying that I get what the deal was here. This cockblock saw her friend was a little drunk, and girls try to protect each other from doing dumb stuff like going home with guys. Still, I can usually engage friends, but this girl wasn't having any of it. It's just frustrating when it's so clear I was improving my target's night as it so contrasted the boring time she was having at that table without me.
Fri: Free Beer Spilled All Over Me
I've been lazy about posting, but I wanted to record some of the past events of the past few outings. The good thing about posting it now is that the entries will be short.
I went out Friday with Seagull and Asian Cousin. Seagull has turned into flake with his new job, and despite his protestations at the end of this night, I knew in my head that he was going to flake on Saturday, and indeed that proved to be the case. Seagull and I work well together, but I don't mind getting a new perspective form having a different character in the mix.
Asian Cousin got into a good set when he went to wing Seagull with this Brazillian set. I guess he made out with the girl but couldn't go home with her as he couldn't get rid of the friends nor could he get her to do some sort of food venue change. Seagull and I went off on own own after that.
I was pumped up that night and had build momentum from having gone out Thursday. While my two wings were a bit hesitant to open, I was opening girls right off the bat and having a good time. This is contrast to what would happen Thursday and New Years.
Despite my enthusiasm, I don't have any good sets, though I did end up with a funny memory. I talk about how I like the randomness of going out and how unexpected things happen, things that I couldn't imagine happening. On Friday, a beer was wasted, and it reminded me of a pleasant memory of spilled beer from a few years ago. I was in the burbs with G, actually at the one of the place place I would end up this past NYE. This girl ran into my beer and it spilled all over her shirt. She wasn't even mad, and the crazy part was she ended up being really into me. She was with a girlfriend, and it seemed like that girl was with a guy and was trying to hook up my beer girl with that guy's friend. Beer girl obviously like me more, but the friend kept massively cockblocking me. I just remember it was one of those nights where I just had extreme confidence. I remember beer girl was dancing with the guy on the dance floor, and I came in on them and stole her away form him by using the technique where you start grinding on her, and on him, and then spinning her away from him.
I actually try to remember that moment in my head when I'm feel less than confident, or when I wondering how I can get rid of a competing guy, or doubting my dance floor game. Sadly, I got rid of the guy that night, and I was dancing and grinding with my girl, and the the cockblock friend came along and pulled her away once again.
Friday beer spill:
I opened this girl who was sitting on a stool at the end of the night. She had a nearly full glass of beer in one hand and was holding a can of beer in the other hand. She ended up hading me the beer, and I started to sip from it. I actually like cold beer and I planned on drinking a little bit of it. I was doing one of my hardcore calorie cutting days so I didn't even want to drink the whole thing. It was a light beer and only 100 something calories but when I'm in hardcore mode, I don't want to waste calories.
As I was sipping ,she started to lift up the beer so it would flow faster. Apparently, she had wanted me to chug it. I didn't want to chug it so I just slowed down the flow into my mouth, but then she squeezed the can and lifted it more. Before I could react, the beer spilled onto my spirt and partially on to my pants.
I still giggle about this now because it was so random. I also think in some way that it would have been funny if I had been pulled over for something on the ride home as the cop would have been convinced I was drunk from me stinking like beer, yet I would have had a 0% BAC.
I wrote on my fitness log that I didn't drink the beer because I didn't want to waste calories. Part of me wanted to justify that I didn't want to drive intoxicated, but one beer wouldn't have mattered. We were still going to be out for another half hour to an hour and one beer would be processed before I drove. It was like a twenty minute walk to the car anyway, so anyway you cut it, I would have been fine. I just didn't want the calories.
My post in my fitness log prompted someone on the forums to ask me if I ever pondered if my food and pickup behavior is leading me towards a healthy relationship in both. I actually have thought about the issue but haven't had the time to hash out my thoughts in posts here or in the log, but I plan on doing so shortly.
I went out Friday with Seagull and Asian Cousin. Seagull has turned into flake with his new job, and despite his protestations at the end of this night, I knew in my head that he was going to flake on Saturday, and indeed that proved to be the case. Seagull and I work well together, but I don't mind getting a new perspective form having a different character in the mix.
Asian Cousin got into a good set when he went to wing Seagull with this Brazillian set. I guess he made out with the girl but couldn't go home with her as he couldn't get rid of the friends nor could he get her to do some sort of food venue change. Seagull and I went off on own own after that.
I was pumped up that night and had build momentum from having gone out Thursday. While my two wings were a bit hesitant to open, I was opening girls right off the bat and having a good time. This is contrast to what would happen Thursday and New Years.
Despite my enthusiasm, I don't have any good sets, though I did end up with a funny memory. I talk about how I like the randomness of going out and how unexpected things happen, things that I couldn't imagine happening. On Friday, a beer was wasted, and it reminded me of a pleasant memory of spilled beer from a few years ago. I was in the burbs with G, actually at the one of the place place I would end up this past NYE. This girl ran into my beer and it spilled all over her shirt. She wasn't even mad, and the crazy part was she ended up being really into me. She was with a girlfriend, and it seemed like that girl was with a guy and was trying to hook up my beer girl with that guy's friend. Beer girl obviously like me more, but the friend kept massively cockblocking me. I just remember it was one of those nights where I just had extreme confidence. I remember beer girl was dancing with the guy on the dance floor, and I came in on them and stole her away form him by using the technique where you start grinding on her, and on him, and then spinning her away from him.
I actually try to remember that moment in my head when I'm feel less than confident, or when I wondering how I can get rid of a competing guy, or doubting my dance floor game. Sadly, I got rid of the guy that night, and I was dancing and grinding with my girl, and the the cockblock friend came along and pulled her away once again.
Friday beer spill:
I opened this girl who was sitting on a stool at the end of the night. She had a nearly full glass of beer in one hand and was holding a can of beer in the other hand. She ended up hading me the beer, and I started to sip from it. I actually like cold beer and I planned on drinking a little bit of it. I was doing one of my hardcore calorie cutting days so I didn't even want to drink the whole thing. It was a light beer and only 100 something calories but when I'm in hardcore mode, I don't want to waste calories.
As I was sipping ,she started to lift up the beer so it would flow faster. Apparently, she had wanted me to chug it. I didn't want to chug it so I just slowed down the flow into my mouth, but then she squeezed the can and lifted it more. Before I could react, the beer spilled onto my spirt and partially on to my pants.
I still giggle about this now because it was so random. I also think in some way that it would have been funny if I had been pulled over for something on the ride home as the cop would have been convinced I was drunk from me stinking like beer, yet I would have had a 0% BAC.
I wrote on my fitness log that I didn't drink the beer because I didn't want to waste calories. Part of me wanted to justify that I didn't want to drive intoxicated, but one beer wouldn't have mattered. We were still going to be out for another half hour to an hour and one beer would be processed before I drove. It was like a twenty minute walk to the car anyway, so anyway you cut it, I would have been fine. I just didn't want the calories.
My post in my fitness log prompted someone on the forums to ask me if I ever pondered if my food and pickup behavior is leading me towards a healthy relationship in both. I actually have thought about the issue but haven't had the time to hash out my thoughts in posts here or in the log, but I plan on doing so shortly.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Enthusiastic street set blown in a dumb way
Thursday, I met up with a wing that I was hanging out with a bunch last year, but unknown to me was that he was out of the country for 6 months, and that's why he didn't come out all summer. I'm gonna name him my Asian cousin . It's a little inside joke in that we'll say we are cousins sometimes even though we are different Asian ethnicities. I text Seagull to go out, but he started working a few weeks ago and has been MIA. 2j is on a hiatus also. I realized that I was just being lazy lately and I'd use their lack of desire to go out and justification to stay in, even though I knew I should be going out.
I told Asian Cousin that we should do a big Christmas time surge. He happens to get two weeks off around this time every year apparently, so he was up for it. He was willing to start this past Sunday, but I said I'd be ready Thursday. Thursday rolled around and I was feeling lazy, but luckily he text me in the afternoon, and that was the little push I needed to start to be consistent here.
I could tell that my confidence was back in that I could just feel it. Asian Cousin opened the first set and I winged him. It was slow and he had isolated his target and felt it wasn't going to go anywhere so we decided to hit the other bars. I opened shortly afterwards, and I was happy that I wasn't standing around a lot like the last time and not doing anything.
The other change was that I really was feeling the entitlement that Tyler talks about in some of his videos. I'd see girls that were my type and I'd actually think, "Yes, this is my type of girl, I deserve this" instead of thinking, "I'm not good enough, I should go for a below average girl."
This is where my inner game is important for me. Logically, I know that looks are superficial. Of course, I want a hot girl like every other guy, but for me to even see a girl regularly, she'd have to have more than that. Ideally, I want a smart girl, but at the very least, she has to not be an airhead. Now, I even want a girl that's into fitness. Basically, I'm now more picky, and I feel like I deserve higher quality, and I just feel more confident.
Unexpected street set:
It was a slow night and as we were heading to our cars, Asian Cousin saw a 2-set walking and said we should open it. In my mind, I was already in the mindset that I was done for the night, but I gave a half attempt to open them. You're not supposed to play out in your head how you think an interaction is going to go, but I figured it would just be the usual blow off that is highly likely to happen when you open a set on the street that's walking towards you and about to walk past.
The completely unexpected happened instead. The girls stopped, and we were taken about by how enthusiastic they were. To use my football analogy, it was like a receiver got so wide open on a hail mary pass, and then I just overthrew the receiver because I couldn't believe how wide open it was. All I had to do was keep up the energy, tell them to come back with us to the bar we were at (which is where they were going). I just had to drag my girl on the dance floor and escalate, and the bar was going to close anyway in like 15 mins, so it would be easy to either hit after hours or try to pull.
Again, we blew it. We weren't prepared for their enthusiasm and we were too low energy and we didn't even try to do anything and just let them walk away about 20 seconds after they had stopped.
Blah. That's what I get for being rusty, but I suppose it's a good sign of things to come soon.
I told Asian Cousin that we should do a big Christmas time surge. He happens to get two weeks off around this time every year apparently, so he was up for it. He was willing to start this past Sunday, but I said I'd be ready Thursday. Thursday rolled around and I was feeling lazy, but luckily he text me in the afternoon, and that was the little push I needed to start to be consistent here.
I could tell that my confidence was back in that I could just feel it. Asian Cousin opened the first set and I winged him. It was slow and he had isolated his target and felt it wasn't going to go anywhere so we decided to hit the other bars. I opened shortly afterwards, and I was happy that I wasn't standing around a lot like the last time and not doing anything.
The other change was that I really was feeling the entitlement that Tyler talks about in some of his videos. I'd see girls that were my type and I'd actually think, "Yes, this is my type of girl, I deserve this" instead of thinking, "I'm not good enough, I should go for a below average girl."
This is where my inner game is important for me. Logically, I know that looks are superficial. Of course, I want a hot girl like every other guy, but for me to even see a girl regularly, she'd have to have more than that. Ideally, I want a smart girl, but at the very least, she has to not be an airhead. Now, I even want a girl that's into fitness. Basically, I'm now more picky, and I feel like I deserve higher quality, and I just feel more confident.
Unexpected street set:
It was a slow night and as we were heading to our cars, Asian Cousin saw a 2-set walking and said we should open it. In my mind, I was already in the mindset that I was done for the night, but I gave a half attempt to open them. You're not supposed to play out in your head how you think an interaction is going to go, but I figured it would just be the usual blow off that is highly likely to happen when you open a set on the street that's walking towards you and about to walk past.
The completely unexpected happened instead. The girls stopped, and we were taken about by how enthusiastic they were. To use my football analogy, it was like a receiver got so wide open on a hail mary pass, and then I just overthrew the receiver because I couldn't believe how wide open it was. All I had to do was keep up the energy, tell them to come back with us to the bar we were at (which is where they were going). I just had to drag my girl on the dance floor and escalate, and the bar was going to close anyway in like 15 mins, so it would be easy to either hit after hours or try to pull.
Again, we blew it. We weren't prepared for their enthusiasm and we were too low energy and we didn't even try to do anything and just let them walk away about 20 seconds after they had stopped.
Blah. That's what I get for being rusty, but I suppose it's a good sign of things to come soon.
Confidence is back and the lesson is consistency
I didn't go out last weekend, but last night was the start of a 10 something day challenge (well, with Sunday as a planned day off). I'm going to make a post later about how a friend's workout laziness got me to call myself out for being lazy in my out pursuits in life, including pickup.
My workout and diet has been about the only thing I've been consistent and dedicated with lately. I've finally lost the weight from the burn out in October. Now, many outside the pickup community, and unfortunately even some inside, might attribute my newfound confidence to this physical transformation. As I often write, logically and from experience, and I know and believe looks make no difference. I'm a lot leaner than I was in Oct, but not that much more than when I was out two weeks ago and was feeling very self conscious. The girls can't even tell, which clothes on, I look the same.
The change is two-fold. First, I just feel good that I'm actually sticking with diet and fitness consistently, and I've recovered from that hole and laziness I dug myself into in October. Second, it just feels good to get reinforcement that being consistent with pursuits will pay off eventually, even if things are brutal early on, especially after a long layoff. I can see that I'll have some good races in the Spring and Fall if I stay on my program. Even more importantly, I can see that if I just apply to my other pursuits, which includes pickup, then I'll similarly see the payoff in a few months and I'll be transformed.
It's not like this is just some wishful thinking. I've shown consistency in the past in those pursuits and I had a taste of success in them, it's just that I just let myself crash. Maybe it's psychological stuff, but often it was just that I decided to focus on something else that I felt was lacking. For example, take a period where I just decided to go sarge everyday because I wanted desperately to fix that as fast as possible.
The answer, then i just for me to be consistent in all three of my mains goals right now and work on keeping them balanced.
My workout and diet has been about the only thing I've been consistent and dedicated with lately. I've finally lost the weight from the burn out in October. Now, many outside the pickup community, and unfortunately even some inside, might attribute my newfound confidence to this physical transformation. As I often write, logically and from experience, and I know and believe looks make no difference. I'm a lot leaner than I was in Oct, but not that much more than when I was out two weeks ago and was feeling very self conscious. The girls can't even tell, which clothes on, I look the same.
The change is two-fold. First, I just feel good that I'm actually sticking with diet and fitness consistently, and I've recovered from that hole and laziness I dug myself into in October. Second, it just feels good to get reinforcement that being consistent with pursuits will pay off eventually, even if things are brutal early on, especially after a long layoff. I can see that I'll have some good races in the Spring and Fall if I stay on my program. Even more importantly, I can see that if I just apply to my other pursuits, which includes pickup, then I'll similarly see the payoff in a few months and I'll be transformed.
It's not like this is just some wishful thinking. I've shown consistency in the past in those pursuits and I had a taste of success in them, it's just that I just let myself crash. Maybe it's psychological stuff, but often it was just that I decided to focus on something else that I felt was lacking. For example, take a period where I just decided to go sarge everyday because I wanted desperately to fix that as fast as possible.
The answer, then i just for me to be consistent in all three of my mains goals right now and work on keeping them balanced.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Holding myself back: The girl that wanted to go home with someone that night
I can say I've progressed since my return as I've improved more each time. It hasn't been linear as there were so many days where I seemed to regress from a new found self improvement, but I'm for certain having better nights than my first night or two back.
The first few times back where dealing with massive self confidence issues and with just lacking social calibration from having been a hermit for over a month. Just talking to people slowly started to bring that stuff back.
The hardest part for me is just the inner game stuff. It seems so hard, but again, I should be happy that I have the experience of having done this for so long. As I've written before, in the beginning, I just had no clue of how to act or how to be attractive. I'd get busted out just because I sucked and there was no quick fix to this. Now, I know that I've done all this stuff in the past, and I just have to find those aspects of my personality that I've buried within myself. It's that, and finding my self confidence from within. When I fail now, it's because I don't want to allow myself to get exposed to being rejected, even though I know it doesn't really matter, and that the rejections actually help me to calibrate myself.
I just need to go out more regularly. Over the last few moments, I've just had some moments where I just see clearly when I'm doing things right. I can think of a moment last week, when I stopped this girl on the dance floor who was walking by, and I actually stopped her and in alpha and dominant way that she was attracted when I did it. Now, I know and can explain how you're supposed to do it, but I just couldn't make myself even attempt it for awhile, and this was a rare time when I did it right. These type of awakenings have helped me get better.
Last night, and two Thursdays ago, I had some moments when I was dancing/jumping around on the dance floor. I felt the endorphins from physically exerting myself, and I realized how I used to make some good moves.
This girl wanted to go home with somebody:
I wanted to post about this experience from two weeks ago. Seagull and I went out on a Thursday. He opened this 2-set in the quieter bar area. I came in, and was nervous. These girls were friendly and we sat around and played silly games like truth or dare. A 3rd friend came in later who might have been the cutest. Seagull mentioned later how it was interesting how these girls quickly turned the talk to sexual topics. This brings me to that same issue I struggle with: I know that girls wants sex, but when I'm in the field, I somehow don't internalize this. I'm am open minded about sex and nonjudgemental, but I don't manage to let that side of me show, and I'm sure that why I don't often have better results.
The third girl, at one point, made an admission that apparently she had never made before to these friends. During the truth or dare game, she admitted that she got drunk one time at the bar and went home with some guy while she was in this 5 year relationship. Now, I'm not shocked; I know girls do this all the time, but this was a rare occurrence for the girl to admit this in this way. I wanted to comment how I actually don't even consider it as true cheating because girls do this, and I think some physical encounter like that would be different from developing an emotional bond with another guy and being intimate with that person at the time same time you're having an emotionally intimate 5 year relationship. I wasn't at my best, so I didn't mention this.
I wanted to get the set upstairs, so I eventually pushed them to go upstairs. I'll give myself credit for this as this was a big step for me, especially in light of how bad I had done earlier this night and the other nights before.
The dance floor was dead but we got it going. Soon I was jumping around and dancing around with these girls. A few times I started to actually dance and get closer to the 3rd girl. At the time, I couldn't quite figure out how to get her to slow down and dance more intimately with me. Thinking back, I just had to try harder and look into her eyes more. I did try several times but didn't have the self confidence to do things properly.
Now, this girl was horny, and eventually some other guy picked up on this. I knew it inside. I remember seeing how she was dancing near these other guys in a way that I knew she was trying to get a guy to dance with her. It was clearly different behavior compared to the way the other two girls were dancing. I did pick up on this and I went in and moved her away from those guys. My mind was telling me to take her off the dance floor to the bar area, but I didn't want to make the move. Eventually, this guy started dancing with her.
I'd say he did it "G" style, as in that natural I used to go out with. He did the dance floor well and of course this girl was really into him. I saw him number closing later. The thing is, yeah, he had good dance floor game, but I knew I could have gone home with this girl. I just couldn't get it together at the time. I just had to dance more intimately with her, move her off the dance floor, create some make out, and just stick with the set.
Seagull had given up on the set and worked this German set so we didn't even try to keep hanging out with the 3 girls. We might have had a decent chance of going to after hours with them but I didn't have the confidence to attempt it myself, and Seagull was involved with this new set at closing time, so I just tried to help him there.
The rest of that night, and randomly since then, I think about this girl. What an easy chance to go home with cute, fun girl, that I wasted. When I have periods of self doubt, I like to think about how I wish I could improve myself, but all those BS reasons have nothing to do with my failure here.
The lesson her is the overall inner game issue that I just need to deal with and I'll have a lot of success. I know logically that I don't need anything more than I already have to get success with women. I love working out but having a full 6 pack or building more muscle or doing 25 mile long runs aren't going to help me with girls. It's good to improve yourself, but when I fail, it's because I don't believe I'm good enough. Beyond that, I just don't want to allow myself to really let go and give my best effort. I think I want to protect my ego from rejection, so I don't let myself be. Instead, I'll hold myself back in subtle or sometimes weird ways and create the very rejection I'm trying to save myself from.
It's like stopping a moving set. I know how to do it properly, but I won't be alpha enough or grab her properly. I'll touch her in some weird way because I'm holding myself back, and then I'll creep her out. If I just let myself be, I'd actually open her in a seductive way.
I even do some really dumb shit. One night, I was walking with 2j, and we walked by this 2-set. I could see out of my peripheral vision that this girl was staring at me as I walked by and smiling at me. It was so obvious that 2j immediately commented about it when we stopped walking and he said he wanted to shove me in the set because the girl had been so obvious. I hadn't stopped partially because I couldn't believe it was true. That shows how bad my inner game is at times; it's like I can't believe sometimes how I can be attractive. I then didn't want to go back and risk rejection. I knew it would have been been awesome to have opened her when she was staring and smiling at me. Still, I could have went back and opened her and it could have gone well. Instead, I walked by her, and then I wanted to protect my ego by taking the great approach invitation and just being happy with that rather than risking rejection by going to open.
I just need to believe in myself, and let my real PUA self shine through and I'd have this game figured out. It seems to easy, yet is so difficult.
The first few times back where dealing with massive self confidence issues and with just lacking social calibration from having been a hermit for over a month. Just talking to people slowly started to bring that stuff back.
The hardest part for me is just the inner game stuff. It seems so hard, but again, I should be happy that I have the experience of having done this for so long. As I've written before, in the beginning, I just had no clue of how to act or how to be attractive. I'd get busted out just because I sucked and there was no quick fix to this. Now, I know that I've done all this stuff in the past, and I just have to find those aspects of my personality that I've buried within myself. It's that, and finding my self confidence from within. When I fail now, it's because I don't want to allow myself to get exposed to being rejected, even though I know it doesn't really matter, and that the rejections actually help me to calibrate myself.
I just need to go out more regularly. Over the last few moments, I've just had some moments where I just see clearly when I'm doing things right. I can think of a moment last week, when I stopped this girl on the dance floor who was walking by, and I actually stopped her and in alpha and dominant way that she was attracted when I did it. Now, I know and can explain how you're supposed to do it, but I just couldn't make myself even attempt it for awhile, and this was a rare time when I did it right. These type of awakenings have helped me get better.
Last night, and two Thursdays ago, I had some moments when I was dancing/jumping around on the dance floor. I felt the endorphins from physically exerting myself, and I realized how I used to make some good moves.
This girl wanted to go home with somebody:
I wanted to post about this experience from two weeks ago. Seagull and I went out on a Thursday. He opened this 2-set in the quieter bar area. I came in, and was nervous. These girls were friendly and we sat around and played silly games like truth or dare. A 3rd friend came in later who might have been the cutest. Seagull mentioned later how it was interesting how these girls quickly turned the talk to sexual topics. This brings me to that same issue I struggle with: I know that girls wants sex, but when I'm in the field, I somehow don't internalize this. I'm am open minded about sex and nonjudgemental, but I don't manage to let that side of me show, and I'm sure that why I don't often have better results.
The third girl, at one point, made an admission that apparently she had never made before to these friends. During the truth or dare game, she admitted that she got drunk one time at the bar and went home with some guy while she was in this 5 year relationship. Now, I'm not shocked; I know girls do this all the time, but this was a rare occurrence for the girl to admit this in this way. I wanted to comment how I actually don't even consider it as true cheating because girls do this, and I think some physical encounter like that would be different from developing an emotional bond with another guy and being intimate with that person at the time same time you're having an emotionally intimate 5 year relationship. I wasn't at my best, so I didn't mention this.
I wanted to get the set upstairs, so I eventually pushed them to go upstairs. I'll give myself credit for this as this was a big step for me, especially in light of how bad I had done earlier this night and the other nights before.
The dance floor was dead but we got it going. Soon I was jumping around and dancing around with these girls. A few times I started to actually dance and get closer to the 3rd girl. At the time, I couldn't quite figure out how to get her to slow down and dance more intimately with me. Thinking back, I just had to try harder and look into her eyes more. I did try several times but didn't have the self confidence to do things properly.
Now, this girl was horny, and eventually some other guy picked up on this. I knew it inside. I remember seeing how she was dancing near these other guys in a way that I knew she was trying to get a guy to dance with her. It was clearly different behavior compared to the way the other two girls were dancing. I did pick up on this and I went in and moved her away from those guys. My mind was telling me to take her off the dance floor to the bar area, but I didn't want to make the move. Eventually, this guy started dancing with her.
I'd say he did it "G" style, as in that natural I used to go out with. He did the dance floor well and of course this girl was really into him. I saw him number closing later. The thing is, yeah, he had good dance floor game, but I knew I could have gone home with this girl. I just couldn't get it together at the time. I just had to dance more intimately with her, move her off the dance floor, create some make out, and just stick with the set.
Seagull had given up on the set and worked this German set so we didn't even try to keep hanging out with the 3 girls. We might have had a decent chance of going to after hours with them but I didn't have the confidence to attempt it myself, and Seagull was involved with this new set at closing time, so I just tried to help him there.
The rest of that night, and randomly since then, I think about this girl. What an easy chance to go home with cute, fun girl, that I wasted. When I have periods of self doubt, I like to think about how I wish I could improve myself, but all those BS reasons have nothing to do with my failure here.
The lesson her is the overall inner game issue that I just need to deal with and I'll have a lot of success. I know logically that I don't need anything more than I already have to get success with women. I love working out but having a full 6 pack or building more muscle or doing 25 mile long runs aren't going to help me with girls. It's good to improve yourself, but when I fail, it's because I don't believe I'm good enough. Beyond that, I just don't want to allow myself to really let go and give my best effort. I think I want to protect my ego from rejection, so I don't let myself be. Instead, I'll hold myself back in subtle or sometimes weird ways and create the very rejection I'm trying to save myself from.
It's like stopping a moving set. I know how to do it properly, but I won't be alpha enough or grab her properly. I'll touch her in some weird way because I'm holding myself back, and then I'll creep her out. If I just let myself be, I'd actually open her in a seductive way.
I even do some really dumb shit. One night, I was walking with 2j, and we walked by this 2-set. I could see out of my peripheral vision that this girl was staring at me as I walked by and smiling at me. It was so obvious that 2j immediately commented about it when we stopped walking and he said he wanted to shove me in the set because the girl had been so obvious. I hadn't stopped partially because I couldn't believe it was true. That shows how bad my inner game is at times; it's like I can't believe sometimes how I can be attractive. I then didn't want to go back and risk rejection. I knew it would have been been awesome to have opened her when she was staring and smiling at me. Still, I could have went back and opened her and it could have gone well. Instead, I walked by her, and then I wanted to protect my ego by taking the great approach invitation and just being happy with that rather than risking rejection by going to open.
I just need to believe in myself, and let my real PUA self shine through and I'd have this game figured out. It seems to easy, yet is so difficult.
I quit everything
Since my last post, I went through some stagnation, a giant downward spiral, to a bit of a recovery. I started logging my diet and fitness stuff, which helps me keep that in check. I decided I should start posting here again for the same reason and also, posting helped me a lot in the past.
What happens if you just make the bad decision:
I actually backwards rationalize what happened to me as being helpful now after having gone through it. I don't know if this is delusional or actually the truth. I suppose time will tell.
I often have struggled with keeping myself on track because I just want to do the opposite instead and it would gnaw at me. Strangely, I don't feel those same desires any more. It's like I've been there and don't want to go back. That's why I think there may be some truth to this having been helpful.
To summarize, I think I burnt myself out from exercise from making my weight workout more difficult, and because I tried to recover from my great half marathon experience too quickly in order to try to run this full marathon a few weeks later. I just decided to stop working out.
I already like to eat a lot, and putting in all the mileage running let me hit the buffets. I would hit the Chinese seafood buffets in a way to maximize not getting fat and still being able to eat a large volume of food, and I got entertainment value from knowing the the buffet lost money on my meal. When balanced with my workouts, I could eat 3 lbs of sashimi, 50-100 raw clams, and even a bowl of red bean or green tea iced cream. That's for $11.50, or so $13-14 with tax and tip. I hit this $7.75 buffet for 3-4 lbs of chilled shrimp and mussels.
The pizza buffets I couldn't hit too often as I know I couldn't make up for the excess calories when I'd eat the equivalent of a 12" stuffed pizza for my $8. When I went on this spiral, I stopped working out, and I just hit the pizza buffet several times just stuffing myself.
I remember feeling so much self guilt when I hit the pizza buffet right next to my gym. The only time I would go there previously was after working out, and here I was not having worked out in several weeks stuffing myself.
I also just said mean things to my mother and I stuffed myself at home and played World of Warcraft wasting my life.
Two times, I just drank myself into a drunken stupor at home which I never do.
Self Feeding downward spiral:
I think I get a bit of seasonal depression every year when the days turn dark faster. I no longer see much sunlight and don't get to be outside to do my runs. Well, you take that, and add on all the bad choices I listed above, and also the guilt from knowingly making bad choices, and I found myself in this bad place and it was so hard to get out of that.
Hard to climb back up when you've seen the summit:
I remember thinking that I can sympathize with celebrities more after this latest episode of mine. When I finally started making better choices, I found myself so frustrated with having let myself slide like this, and also facing such a difficult climb back . I remember having to stop after jogging two miles because my legs where so tight from no workouts and no stretching. I took me a good 6 weeks before I can finally run over 10 miles again, and I still haven't gotten my long runs back to the 18+ mile range that I want. I won't be able to do that until probably January or February.
Sarging has been even more difficult. I had this amazing peak in my game that if I had just stayed with a little longer, I would have gotten so many lays out of, but instead I quit and it's been hard road back. Things have gotten better for sure, but again, it's so hard being rusty at something when you used to be so much better at it.
What happens if you just make the bad decision:
I actually backwards rationalize what happened to me as being helpful now after having gone through it. I don't know if this is delusional or actually the truth. I suppose time will tell.
I often have struggled with keeping myself on track because I just want to do the opposite instead and it would gnaw at me. Strangely, I don't feel those same desires any more. It's like I've been there and don't want to go back. That's why I think there may be some truth to this having been helpful.
To summarize, I think I burnt myself out from exercise from making my weight workout more difficult, and because I tried to recover from my great half marathon experience too quickly in order to try to run this full marathon a few weeks later. I just decided to stop working out.
I already like to eat a lot, and putting in all the mileage running let me hit the buffets. I would hit the Chinese seafood buffets in a way to maximize not getting fat and still being able to eat a large volume of food, and I got entertainment value from knowing the the buffet lost money on my meal. When balanced with my workouts, I could eat 3 lbs of sashimi, 50-100 raw clams, and even a bowl of red bean or green tea iced cream. That's for $11.50, or so $13-14 with tax and tip. I hit this $7.75 buffet for 3-4 lbs of chilled shrimp and mussels.
The pizza buffets I couldn't hit too often as I know I couldn't make up for the excess calories when I'd eat the equivalent of a 12" stuffed pizza for my $8. When I went on this spiral, I stopped working out, and I just hit the pizza buffet several times just stuffing myself.
I remember feeling so much self guilt when I hit the pizza buffet right next to my gym. The only time I would go there previously was after working out, and here I was not having worked out in several weeks stuffing myself.
I also just said mean things to my mother and I stuffed myself at home and played World of Warcraft wasting my life.
Two times, I just drank myself into a drunken stupor at home which I never do.
Self Feeding downward spiral:
I think I get a bit of seasonal depression every year when the days turn dark faster. I no longer see much sunlight and don't get to be outside to do my runs. Well, you take that, and add on all the bad choices I listed above, and also the guilt from knowingly making bad choices, and I found myself in this bad place and it was so hard to get out of that.
Hard to climb back up when you've seen the summit:
I remember thinking that I can sympathize with celebrities more after this latest episode of mine. When I finally started making better choices, I found myself so frustrated with having let myself slide like this, and also facing such a difficult climb back . I remember having to stop after jogging two miles because my legs where so tight from no workouts and no stretching. I took me a good 6 weeks before I can finally run over 10 miles again, and I still haven't gotten my long runs back to the 18+ mile range that I want. I won't be able to do that until probably January or February.
Sarging has been even more difficult. I had this amazing peak in my game that if I had just stayed with a little longer, I would have gotten so many lays out of, but instead I quit and it's been hard road back. Things have gotten better for sure, but again, it's so hard being rusty at something when you used to be so much better at it.
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