Realizing my value and how I held myself back

Realizing my value and how I held myself back

I've been watching some videos and doing some soul searching as I prepare to start sarging again this week. This isn't anything new, but I realized why I didn't have better success. I was to blame, but not in the way that I thought. Deep down, I just didn't believe I deserved these hot girls. Sure, I'd approach and run game. I've gotten enough practice over the years that it's to do that.

Thinking back, though, I can remember my mindset when I'd see a hot girl at the club. I'd be thinking that she's hot and I need to approach. Unfortunately, there would also be a part of me that just didn't think I was good enough for her. It's the fallacy of coming up with an empty cup to the girl and trying to ask her to fill it for me. I played up my supposed inadequacies instead of playing up my strengths. I need to watch that scene in "Swingers" again. In fact, I'll do just that after I finish this post. It's the scene where the Vince Vaughn character (Trent) is talking to John Favreau's (Mikey) character who's been hiding out in his house, depressed, for a few days. Trent tells Mikey that Mikey keeps thinking about what he doesn't have instead of focusing on what he has. Trent goes on to point out those strengths.

I realize that I do bring my unique value. Without tooting my own horn too much, which is lame, let me just write a few things here. I feel that actually etching it onto the blog will help me remember it when I need to out in the field. When we're on, my wings and I are the life of the bar or club. We're the ones talking to everyone in the club and just having fun. Beyond that I bring a wealth of travel experiences from around the world, a general upbeat view of things (well, when I'm not hiding out like I have been the past few months), and I'm open minded and nonjudgmental about women and their sexuality.

When I see that hot girl, I should not be thinking, "Wow, I wish I were good enough for her." I hate to admit it, but I know that's what I was thinking. I'd open them and my game is even good enough that they'd like me, but that defeatist attitude would rear it's head. I'd feel that it was on, but I'd fail to escalate and go for the close. Sometimes, I would even deny the blatantly obvious IOI's because deep down, I couldn't believe she'd actually be in to me.

If I fix this, and I actually feel like I'm close now, then I should begin to have even better success in the field. I word it as that because reflecting on my past experiences, I'd have to say I had some damn exciting adventures. BTW, my new friend made me understand a good point. I'd describe my adventures as "crazy stuff that happened to me." I should take ownership of those adventures. They didn't just happen, I made them happen by being me.

I even think about some of my colossal failures. There were many and I seriously fucked up a lot of lays. I think about one of my first times out with Seagull. When he was leaving a set and something clicked in my mind. He said these guys were with the girls. I sensed that they weren't and I just decided that I was gonna pick up those girls. The dudes had been buying the girls drinks for hours, and we swoop in and the next thing you know, they are venueing changing with us. That was with all the craziness of having to herd them through all these horning guys that were latching on cause they could sense the drunk girls who wanted to hook up. Thinking back on that, I did some matrix like PUA stuff that day.

Of course, some people who might remember that instance might also remember my screwup. There was a hot redhead in that set that wanted me. She was giving me all the signs and responded well to my kino. When we got to the second bar, a guy tried to sarger her and I put my arm around her and blew him out. Then, I just failed to escalate and decided I was gonna talk to the ugly girl in the set to win her over. That was just an excuse and a misapplication of that technique. I had won her over early in the set, that's how I pulled the girls off the initial guys. I needed to isolate my hot redhead and start kissing and making out with her. Instead, I let that guy that I just blew out isolate her to the dance floor and start kissing her. As much of a screw up as that was, I still look fondly on the night.

Now that I've been away from the scene, I realize how even our bad nights were still cool. When we didn't really go far in any sets, we still had a blast and I really did feel alive being out there. That's why I want to get back into this.

Finally, let me go back to that idea of realizing my value. When I see the hot girl, I have to think about what Tim says in his "Flawless Natural" video series. I need to be thinking, "That's for me." I need to approach believing totally in my game. I'll attract her cause I've gotten good at that with practice; attraction, then is a given. I just have to escalate and push for the close and believe I'm gonna make it happen. I really will add value to her life, or at the very least, her evening. Otherwise, if I don't, she might just wind up with some loser who just happens to be alpha and aggressive. All I have to do is lead and be aggressive myself and I'll create a magical experience for both her and I.

Sexually liberated women & My Possible return

Sexually liberated women & My possible return

Tonight I had this amazing conversation with this woman.  It's one of those conversations that will just stick in my mind.  It was totally uninhibited.  We talked about some crazy sexual experiences.  She's open about that stuff anyway, and I just ate it up.  It so cool to be able to talk to a woman who is so open about her sexuality.  There are more girls out there like this but of course societal pressure makes them bottle it up.  It also doesn't help that most guys are judgmental.  Of course, I'm the exact opposite.  We talked about sex like we were talking about anything else.  Stories that people would look down upon, I got excited about. 

I know from the community that woman are sexual beings.  Some would argue that they even enjoy sex more than us guys.  As I progressed in the game, more girls feel comfortable being open about their sexual desires and experiences.  It's just like TD's old forum post says, you become part of a secret society where you see how girls want sex just as much as we do. 

This conversation was not new in that sense, but I never met a woman who had so many wild sexual experiences.  Like I had her tell me about being with two guys, or having sex at a party with people watching, or experimenting with a girl and another guy, or hooking up with random guys.  This woman is even in a type of open marriage.  Again, this is stuff most people would look down upon, but in my world, it earns you huge points.  I could tell she felt some pressure to feel bad about some of the stuff, but I gave her my honest opinion that I felt  there was nothing wrong with this stuff, and in fact I thought she was awesome for being free enough to do this stuff and be able to talk about it.

Now, don't get the wrong idea.  I may be turned on by the stories, but I'm not infatuated with this woman.  I view her as a cool friend.  She fun to talk to and cool in many ways.  What's amazing too is that she understands a lot of the male-female dynamics.  I'm talking about the theory stuff I read from the likes of TD.  Like she was telling me why certain things worked on her when she used to go out to bars, and it was right on when it comes to theory.  She just seems to have a natural awareness of what turns her on and what works and doesn't work.  Obviously, she hasn't researched it as I have. 

Remembering the excitement and randomness of the club:
Apparently, she sort of female PUA.  She's not really going out to pick up anymore, but when she goes out, she's talking to everyone at the bar.  On our good nights, that's what my wings I and used to do before I feel into this rut that I've been for the past few months.  We brought the party the bar, in addition to picking up the girls.  As she told me some stories, I related some of my interesting adventures and it got me thinking about how much fun it was to be out sarging. 

Literally, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling those good feelings I used to get from being out sarging.  I miss them and I'm determined to make them happen again.

Where I've been:
I've been in a really horrible place.  Been feeling shitty and hiding out in a computer game.  Barely have felt like talking to people and my friends have noticed.  I isolated myself and just withered away.  It's like I became the exact opposite of the cool PUA self I was.  I guess I'm bipolar, but it's also other stuff that I don't want to discuss right now. 

A comeback?
Well, I'm tired of writing that.  Who knows what's gonna happen?  I know that I'm gonna move forward from where I am.  I'm almost as low as I can be so I can only go upwards.  Things were finally moving forward this week and I think this conversation just jump started things.

As I said, I remembered how much fun I had sarging and how I was starting to have those wild experiences I dreamed about when I started the game.  I loved the crazy fun that happened.  I enjoyed meeting new girls.  I like hooking up and that was becoming more frequent.  I don't know why I've been hiding out in this BS shell of existence I've been in for months. 

I think if I start doing the right things again, things will get better.  I'll start running again as that always kept me balance.  I know it's gonna be hell starting up again.  I'll start sarging again and I know I'm gonna be shit.  Like literally, I've become so antisocial these past few months and I felt weird being out in public.  I know that practice will make that better and I know how I was able to transform myself so I know I can get there again. 

As this time, I'm gonna have a better mindset that I had before.  You see, this conversation with my new friend will stick with me.  There are more girls like this new friend I have and I'm gonna find them.  I'm sure I've actually met them but they didn't get to experience my true self.  I'm sure many girls I sarged would never have guess how open and nonjudgmental I am.  I need to find a way to weave that into the conversation.  As the community says, if you put out that vibe that you're a sexual being and you're comfortable hooking up with girls that same night and won't judge them for you, then it's gonna happen.  As TD says, if, on the other hand, you are show you're gonna judge them, then they'll play that roll for you.  They'll make you wait weeks for sex.  I'm gonna try to be more the lover and not give out the provider/boyfriend vibe. 

That's the goal, but I have to make baby steps.  Today I start running and maybe I'll have some new blogs up soon. 

Reasonable Expectation

Reasonable Expectations

After thinking long and hard about my evening, I came up with the following to make me feel better about myself:

I can't expect to be at the level I left off at but I can expect that if I keep getting out there, I'll get my game back to the level it was at and surely surpass it. 

I was hard on myself the whole night and now I realize that I wasn't being fair to myself.  I've been opening sets with little fear and I've been having some good interactions and two that I'd consider great.  I seriously almost forgot that I had just started sarging again last week.  I expected the learning curve to be harder.  Approach anxiety is almost nonexistent and I feel like I'm back to a point where I was stuck for a long time.  This is where I can open sets and most girls will like me enough to not bust me out.  I get into a lot of sets that are okay but I feel like they aren't going anywhere.  I mean that I'd get into these sets where it doesn't look like I'm going to get laid by staying in the set. 

That's why I got pissed at myself:
I found myself sitting in several sets where I felt like I just described.  I knew things weren't going anywhere but I also didn't want to leave and give up.  I kept trying to move things along.  Part of me feels like I'm a victim of some bad luck.  For example, I had this amazing conversation with this girl.  She thinks a lot like this girl I met at Cadillac Ranch months ago.  The only problem is that she owns a store with her boyfriend...

Two other times, I was working on some blondes and couldn't make anything happen.  I couldn't figure out how to move things along. 

I also got pissed at myself because I was working other sets instead of trying to sarge one of my friend's coworkers that came out.  He had told me she was very single.  I didn't realize it until to late.  I saw her talking to these guys and it was obvious she was trying to get laid.  I didn't feel like I had enough energy to both sarge her and blow off the guys so I gave up. 

Of course I'm rusty:
It really did hit me when I thought about how I've only been out three times since I escaped from that black hole.  As I wrote above, it's amazing how simple things are but at the same time, I've got a long way to go.  I am out of practice and that's why I'm not moving these sets along as well as I have in the past.  I shouldn't feel bad about it as I know I'll get better as long as I keep going out consistently. 

What I need to do:
My opening is fine.  I get in and the girls like me.  My light kino is fine.  Where I went wrong is that I didn't try to push the interactions.  That's what I need to work on next time.  I knew I needed to be more daring with the kino.  I needed to try leaving my hand over the girl's hand a little longer to see if she was comfortable with it.  I needed to expand my kino to the more places: I needed to touch her leg, stroke her hair, or touch her face. 

I realize how important this stuff is because it helps you screen out the girls that are DTF.  I read some field reports this past week and I was reminded of how important that is.  I've been wasting time in sets because I didn't screen them for that.  I'm glad I had some of those great conversations I had, but if I want to go home with a girl and I need to push kino forward faster and see if they are ready for that.  If I like them but they don't seem DTF, I should number close and work on other girls. 

Beyond that, I just have to believe in myself and believe that the girls will like me for who I am.  If I move the interaction along confidently, I'll get where I need to go.  It sounds basic, but I can recall several times tonight when I recognized the right move but didn't go for it. 

Jumping back in

Jumping back in

Tonight was an internal pity party at times.  Then I remembered that I just got back into this last week.  I never posted a field report but I'm proud to report that I jumped right back into sarging.  I went to Wisconsin Dells two weeks ago and as I got ready to get back into sarging last week, I kept thinking about the cold water analogy.  The water in the wave pool felt cold, and there's two ways you can deal with it.  You can inch your way into slowly or you can just splash into the water and get it over with.  I remember that I kept doing the inch method.  I vowed that I wasn't going to follow that method when it came back to sarging. 

Seagull and I walked into Barleycorn.  He had to use the rest room and instead of stalling, I went right up and opened a 2-set.  I remembered that I opened it fine but then I stalled out and just left instead of plowing.  I got a beer and then I opened this other two set.  This brunette in the set seemed to like me.  I remember I stalled several times and she would keep the conversation going by asking me questions.  I ended up screwing up the set because I talked to this chubby Asian girl.  She was really cool.  We were having a great time talking and the friends had to come back three times before she agreed to leave me. 

That was a great way to get back into things and I kept trying to build momentum the rest of that night and the next day. 

A few extra seconds at a stop sign saved my life

A few extra seconds at a stop sign saved my life

I often think about how I was recently given a second chance at life.  It doesn't feel real at times because I don't have anything tangible to show for it.  If I were grazed by a bullet, I'd have a scar to prove that.  If I had almost gotten on a plane that crashed, I'd have the ticket printout and the news articles.  In this case, I just have my memory. 

About six weeks ago (I could look up the exact date by my banking website is down), I was driving to the ATM the bank branch the next town over.  It was about 9pm and I just needed to get there before 10pm so my account wouldn't overdraft.  I wasn't excited about leaving the house as I had to stop playing the game and I didn't want to be out in the real world either.  I reached this 4 way stop in this residential area.  The speed limit is 25 in this area.  Both streets have two lanes, one for each direction.  Normally, I make a full stop at stop signs and then proceed through the intersection after about one second.  Of course, I check both directions as I'm doing so.

This time, I delayed for longer than I ever do at a stop sign.  I don't exactly why and I've tried to replay that memory countless times since then.  Maybe I stopped longer was I wasn't in any rush.  I had no where to be.  Sure, I wanted to play the game, but I wasn't rushing to get back.  I had plenty of time to get to the ATM before 10PM and I knew I was just going to play the game nonstop when I got home.  Maybe, I could subconsciously hear the speeding car barreling 40-50MPH down a 25MPH residential street.  Maybe it was divine intervention.  For some people, that would be high on their lists of probably reasons.  For me, I deem that the least likely.  I would say that the random chance in the universe cause this particular chain of events to happen for me.  In some other parallel universe, I go through that stop sign after one second and things unfold differently for me there.

I remember just not wanting to proceed through that intersection at that moment.  I almost can't believe that's the way it happened, but I kept replaying what happened in my mind I truly believe that was the case.

As I'm sitting at the stop sign, this car comes barreling through the intersection at a high rate of speed.  The car spins out of control three houses down and hits a mailbox.  I remember something like the bumper falling of the car because a car that followed the speeding car hit something in the road and then noticed that there was a spun out car in the front lawn of the house. 

I remember that I couldn't move for a bit after seeing that car.  My car was just stopped at the stop sign.  I was there for like 20-30 seconds as I remember watching the second car coming to the stop sign and going through the intersection.  I was going to check on the guy but I called 911 first.  The person in the second car had already gotten out and there was a guy walking near the intersection that was on the phone too.  Normally, I  would have stopped and watch everything unfold but I didn't want to let my account overdraft. 

Later, as I was coming back, I saw the street was blocked off.  I was going to stop and watch what happened but I didn't because my hair was all messed up.  Since I hadn't left the house in weeks, my hair had been growing in all directions.  I was in the middle of giving myself a haircut but my trimmer ran out of charge.  I had a half shaved head and was embarrassed to walk around.  I thought about asking if they needed a witness to the accident, but I had told the dispatcher what I saw.  I figured the police could look up my number from the 911 center and contact me if they really needed me. 

I never looked up what happened.  I assume the guy was drunk and spun out of control.  I'm sure he got a well deserved DUI charge for that.  I was never contacted but I didn't expect to be contacted as no one was injured except the driver I believe. 

What could have happened:
I know that I had a brush with death because I've seen videos of what happens in a side impact.  Side impacts are about the worst accident you can get into.  A head-on collision is bad for obvious reasons, but you have the airbag and seat belts designed to protect you for such a collision.  Newer cars have side airbags to prevent injury in side impacts but my old car does not.  I remember reading that a side impact crash with no air bags usually results in injuries resulting in paralysis or death.  If I had been hit by that car, best case scenario would be that I'd be in a wheelchair. 

It's ironic that I thought about dying because I hated my life at the time and that I almost got my wish...

I think about those moments at the stop sign and I realize how dumb it is to ever entertain such thoughts.  There are so many more things that I want to do and experience in my life before it's over.  Life might have been bad for me, but I have to believe I can always make things better. 

As I write this, things are better.  I started talking to my friends again but I still have to reach out to a few more and I'm working on that.  I have some new direction on my life and I'll expand on that in future entries.  Oh, and yes, I'm sarging again and that's helped me feel better too.

When things get tough, I remind myself about what happened.  My life could be drastically different or be nonexistent if it weren't for a few seconds.  I tell myself that everything I've experienced since then and everything I experience now is a gift.  I'm lucky that I'm even able to have these moments and I try to appreciate them whether they are good or bad. 

Getting through your own personal hell

Getting through your own personal hell

I always wonder what happens to the people in the blogs I follow occasionally when they stop posting.  Did they just get sick of the actual act of blogging their life?  Did their life change?  Of course, people's lives always change, but I wonder if they followed through on the journey they laid out in their blog or if they decided to prioritize things differently in their lives. 

When I disappear, it's usually a bad sign for the events in my life.  I believe I've said before that I could just omit negative things about my life, but that's not how I do things.  I could write that things have been going great.  I'm picking up girls all the time.  I could be less extreme and just start posting field reports like nothing happened. 

The title describes what happened.  In a way, I feel like I'm being too dramatic.  I've seen enough crazy stuff.  I know some of the real hardships that others around have gone through and are experiencing right now.  I've been around the world and know that people in say, a third would country, would dream to have the conveniences and opportunities that I have in my life.  On the other hand, I feel like I'm accurately describing what happened.

It's like I forgot all the lessons I've learned about life and just spiraled completely out of control.  I knew I was headed in a direction that was going to just lead to more pain yet I continued on the path.  At times, it was willingly, and perhaps, at times,  I was no longer in control.  Fortunately for me, what I went through is nothing that can't be reversed. 

I lost the belief that I could do the things I wanted to do in my life.  I then escaped into a comfort that I've gone to in the past.  Some people do drugs.  I escape reality by living a virtual life in Northrend.  For those that don't know what that means, I escaped into World of Warcraft.  I just played it nonstop and stopped talking to people at all.  I was depressed and just wanted to escape my life and of course I just became more depressed by doing this. 

This went on for about three months.  I finally asked my mother to come out here and help me straighten things out.  It was just the game as everything seemed out of control.  I felt like I couldn't do anything more in life.  I even got the point where even the game wasn't fun anymore. 

As I right this, all that seems so distant.  I'm much better now.  Back then, I wondered how I could go on.  How could I find the will to do anything and how could I find pleasure in things again?  Now, I think about how I could even feel the way I did back then and how I could just surrender. 

Maybe I am bipolar but I see what the medication does to people.  I've been told that the meds dull everything.  The only meds I've ever been on were antidepressants a long time ago and I hated that it did hurt my sex drive.  I remember that actual therapy of talking through some of my problems and learning about building self esteem helped me more than the meds. 

It's going to sound crazy, but I swear that learning about sarging has helped more more than any of that.  I've mentioned it before and I'm saying it now.  The very act of being social and talking to women makes me feel good.  Beyond that, I learned to believe in myself.  I learned that I need to find my own way in life and not seek others approval as the focus of my life. 

Anyway, I'm back and hopefully I would lapse into that dark place again.  It's been over two years since my last episode so I gotta believe I'm progressing. 

The rest of Saturday night

The rest of Saturday night

I went out with some college friends to see "Hot Tub Time Machine" and I dragged along one of my MLTR's.  Well, that's not entirely accurate considering she's my only LTR, but I'm working on developing that deep conversation girl into one, and of course every night I'm looking to add a new one.  We went to a nearby bar after the movie.  I danced and kissed my girl but unfortunately, I could go home with her tonight.  Her mom was at her place and she had to drive her around Sunday so I couldn't get her to come out to my place.  Warcraft might have been right when early in the night he told me to pull her out of there right then and go to my place.  If I left the club early, she might have come over.  I was a little frustrated when I was driving her home but I shouldn't have been.  I know I'm going to have sex with her soon.  She might even stop by Sunday depending on how many errands she has to run.  If I see her in the week, it's almost certain.  Besides, I probably wouldn't have performed well today considering I watched too much porn Friday. 

Keep sarging:
I dropped her off.  I could have just gone home but I've come to appreciate the late bar closing on Saturday night in Chicago.  I dropped her off just after one so I had 3-4 hours to make something happen.  I went back to the original bar as my friends were still there but we left before I opened anything.  A friend and I went to Division.  That's where that bday girl wanted me to kiss her and/or her friends. 

Hot Spanish Girl:
Late in that bday set, I was dancing near the friend that ended up being cold to me.  I had noticed these Spanish girls and was attracted to this tall one.  I thought about opening her but I didn't do it as I told myself I was still working on the bday friend.  Well, as I'm dancing, this song comes on that the tall Spanish girl likes and she starts dancing with me.  When stuff like this happens to me it amazes me still. 

Unfortunately, some Indian guy ruined things.  As I was dancing with the tall girl, the friend was nearby.  I was thinking about dancing with her too so I'd be on my way to having all the friends like me when this Indian dude started trying to dance with her.  My tall girl grabs the friend to rescue her and walks away.  I knew I was busted out so I tried to get her attention after that but she was in shut down mode and didn't respond.  I probably should have approached them again but I ended up changing venues. 

Jealousy:
I just remembered some minor thing that happened.  When I was talking to bday friend, these cute girls were next to us at a table.  One of the girls kept trying to hand her purse to a friend to have her hold it for her, but the friend kept refusing.  When she did it a third time, I said to them, "Hey, if no one wants it, I'll take it."  The giggled and started talking to me but then the bday friend shoved me as she got jealous and wanted my attention.

Instant wings and a big mixed set:
I went next door to this Irish bar.  That place is usually so busy that you can barely move.  For some reason, it was really slow when I got there.  I took a piss and then started chatting with some random dude as I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to look like I was just loitering.  Nearby were some hot girls.  It was clear they were with the guys at the table they were near but I kept lusting over this 6ft+ blonde.  Damn! 

Anyway, as I'm talking to the random dude, some other guy in a sweater came by.  He was talking about how he tried to get some number next door at the bar I just left.  I told him that I need a wingman.  There's nothing in back, so we went to the side area.  We noticed three girls and two guys talking to them at the time.  I told him I was going to open and he should come in after like 2-3 minutes.  He said it looked like the girls were with the guys.  At the time, I didn't think they were.  I thought it was a pickup.  I went and approached this cute, petite brunette.  She was responsive at first but then started to ignore me in favor of talking to her blonde friend.  As I was talking to her, though, the other dudes looked at me.  It seemed like they were trying to tool me at first. I just used the subtle AMOG line, "Hey man, you're a cool guy.  Having fun?"

Some dude asked why my shirt was purple.  As it was a silk shirt, I said, "I killed a giant spider and made this shirt out of it."  That was an example of Mystery's old idea of, "Always have a better answer ready."  I was surprised how I just came up with it spontaneously. 

I decided to leave because my target was cold to me and one of the dudes kept telling me about her supposed boyfriend.  Perhaps this was weak of me.  I guess I could have kept trying.  Well, maybe not.  I reengaged her several times before I finally gave up. 

It's funny that as I was saying by to everyone, including the guys, the one dude that originally tried to tool me was disappointed I was leaving and said he wanted me to hang out more.  

After I leave that set, I found my instant wing.  He said he got scared to approach but said he thought I was doing fine.  I tried to get him to come to another bar but he said he had to stay with his friend.  I ended up going to the original bar to scoop my friend up. 

I've got this:
That's what I should conclude after tonight.  Some cool stuff happened in less than 3 hours after I came back to the bar after dropping off my LTR.  I keep thinking about that tall Spanish girl.  I know I"m going to be more confident to approach the girls I really want.  I believe that I'm finally being that attractive guy to girls that I've always wanted to be.  TD would say that's enough but cool stuff like a girl you're attracted to opening you does give you extra confidence. 

I'm hoping G wants to go out Sunday night.  I want to go out sober and sarge with him.  

That reminds me that today was sober sarging.  I had two beers the entire night and that was earlier with my LTR.  I had zero drinks when I went out to Division.